Love and Loss

I was overcome with sadness today as I watched a wife drop off her husband at the clinic for treatment.  She helped him bring in his stuff and then kissed him goodbye and I almost lost it.  The husband has stage IV cancer and I have watched him literally waste away the past couple of months.  Although he is bravely fighting cancer, I feel like it is a battle he might lose.  My heart just went out to his wife because I can't imagine what she is going through.  As with all my patients, I try to put myself in their shoes (social work term: empathy).  My best friend lost her husband several years ago and my heart still goes out to her because I know that there is not a day that goes by that she doesn't miss him.  When her husband passed, I also lost a dear friend and I cry whenever I think about him so I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for her.  Having a spouse pass away is suppose to be the greatest grief there is and I can definitely see how this is.  A spouse is your other half, your world, your best friend and confidant.  The person you share your triumphs as well as your failures.  The person who knows the good, the bad and everything in between but loves you nonetheless.

People who know me and know my quirks, know that I love and collect quotations.  One of my favorites is Winnie the Pooh, "If you live to be one hundred, I hope to live to be one hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you".   This quote is everything I feel for my husband.

So today I took a moment to think about those who have lost and the woman in my clinic who might lose her spouse.  Even though my husband can get on my last good nerve, I thank God for each day that he allows me to spend with Dave.  It is amazing how God shows us our blessings when we can lose sight of what is important sometimes.

Adventures of Anna

Anna is 6 months old now, wooo hooo!  Her stats are 14 lbs. 6 oz. and 27 in. long!  She is still probably the only 6 month old baby in size 1-2 diapers!  She's so long and skinny!  She constantly moves and is just such a happy baby.  Poor pumpkin is losing her hair, it is now whispy and thinning!  Anna rolls over both ways and can sit up with assistance.  She tries to sit up by herself but can only do so for a couple of seconds before she plops over.  It is pretty funny to watch.  She babbles and blows raspberries which just cracks me up!  She can now put her own pacifier in her mouth and hold her bottle.  We have started solids and so far she likes every fruit and veggie.  She eats like a horse to be so skinny.  I think if she didn't move so much she would be a fatty.  She is a very social baby and curious about the world.  There are times she has this look on her face like she is doing some serious thinking.  It reminds me of my grandfather because he had that same look when he was thinking about something.  Anna still looks mostly like Dave but she definitely has my personality.  She has quite the temper!  I told Dave I just fall more in love with Anna each day.  She has changed me in so many ways and all for the good.

With Anna being 6 months old I am wanting pics of her.  Decision?  Do I go with a professional photographer or just take some myself.  I just don't want to take them myself and then later go "Oh I should have not been so cheap and should have gone with a photographer".  Photography is EXPENSIVE!  I was comparing independent photographers and even places like Target Studios and oh my gosh!  I really wanted professional pics when Anna was first born but I had complications in recovery and Anna was so colic that I didn't do it.  I wish I had though.  She is growing so fast that I want to be sure to capture all these milestones.

It is time to put up her swing, she is almost too big for it.  I don't think Dave and I would have survived the first three months without that swing!  It was the only thing she would sleep in!  Definitely worth the $150 bucks!!  Anna also is big enough now to ride in the stroller without her car seat!  She now gets to see the world instead of only seeing sky!

I can't believe she is already so big.  It makes me sad but then it makes me excited to see what the future is going to bring and the adventures Anna will have!

Friend or Foe

I am at the point in my life where I am starting to reevaluate EVERYTHING!  I don't know if it is because I am now married and a mother or just part of growing up and maturing.  One of the things I have been reevaluating is friendships.  Do you ever feel like you have just outgrown some people?  Lately that is how I have been feeling with some of my friendships.  I have been able to sit back and ask myself if I am getting anything out of a friendship or are we simply friends out of convenience and/or circumstance.

Dave made the comment to me the other day that I have changed and I would definitely agree.  What use to matter to me just doesn't anymore.  For instance, drinking and partying.  I went to college and I partied, I partied when I finished grad school and moved to Shreveport but now. . . .I'm over it.  A good night to me is dinner with friends or just snuggling at home with my hubby and baby.  Not to say that I don't enjoy a glass of wine or beer because I definitely do!

I am just wanting to surround myself with people I actually enjoy being around and have similar interests.  There are some friends that no matter what in life changes, your friendship remains the same.  Examples of that is my best friend from high school, Jennifer and my best friend from college, Stacey.  Whenever we talk or see each other we just pick up right where we left off.  Even if it has been months, somehow magically our friendship is still just as strong.  This is the type of friends I want in my life.  The ones that will be there for you no matter what, the ones that love you for exactly who you are, the ones that know everything about you and don't judge.  Some of my closest friends right now are two girls and a guy that I work with.  I can just be myself and they don't make fun of me because I'm a little country or that I don't always wear the most fashionable thing.  I can tell them things and not have to worry that what I said in private is now all over Shreveport.  I have no use for "friends" that never call (ok, text because I hate talking on the phone), that don't care how you are, that judge you and talk about you behind your back.

Just my venting for today.  :)

Social Work

I am a nephrology social worker, for those who are like "What is that?"  I work with people on dialysis.  I had two patients pass away suddenly this week so this week has been tough.  I have also worked hospice and people always asked me how I did it.  It is difficult when you lose a patient that you have been working with and there have been times I have broken down sobbing over the loss of a patient.  Today was one of those days.  I lost a patient that I have been working with for over 2 years now.  What keeps me going is knowing that I made a difference in that person's life.  When I first got into social work I wanted to work with children then in graduate school I got placed with a hematology/oncology clinic in Baton Rouge.  I was so mad when I found out about my placement because I thought it was going to be horrible and depressing.  I absolutely loved it.   I am drawn to the medical field, I don't know if it is because I basically grew up in hospitals because my dad was sick or what.  Needless to say I have life experience dealing with people who are chronically ill.

I think part of being able to work with chronically/terminally ill patients is you have to have a strong sense of spirituality.  It always amuses me when people make comments about my spirituality because I am actually very spiritual.  I am not very religious, I believe it is good to go to church but I don't think it as important as what is in your heart and your actions.  I don't feel the need to prove my spirituality to others.

I believe God has a purpose for me and that purpose is to help people.  I knew I wanted to be a social worker when I was in the 7th grade.  We had a social worker come to our class and explain what she did and I knew that was what I wanted to do.  I feel that I can best serve God through social work.  I have held a patient's hair while she was nauseated and vomiting, I have held a patient's hand as they took their last breath, I have consoled a family who has just lost their loved one and I was there for someone who had no one else that cared.  I have gone to funerals of patients in the ghetto at night and being the only white person there because a patient asked me to and I told him I would.  These are the moments I carry with me and make being a social worker worth while.  There is nothing else I would rather do.  Social workers don't get a lot of recognition, most people assume that all we do is take people's kids away and we definitely don't make a lot of money.  I know at the end of the day I am making a difference and that is all that matters.  I believe at the end of my life God is not going to care how much money I made or what kind of house I lived in or how often I went to church but rather what I did with the life I was given.

It's Time to Pump.. . .You Up!

Ok, so I have a Yoda and his name is Blake.  One of my New Year's Resolutions was to get healthy.  My goal is not focused on losing weight (although I am stoked about that) but rather on establishing healthy eating habits and exercising more.  I turned to Blake at Fitness Xcellence who has been leading me on this journey of mine.  I work out with 11 other awesome ladies and Blake on Mondays and Wednesdays.  I keep a food journal and turn it in weekly to Blake who then grades me on my eating.  I made an "A-" last week and it is posted in my kitchen because I am so proud of it.  Getting an "A-" took a lot of hard work!  I have one free day a week where I can eat what I want and boy do I use that!  Needless to say Super Bowl Sunday will be my free day!  It is great to have the free day because if there is something I am craving, I just wait until my free day and that way I don't feel deprived or like I am missing out on something.

I have really enjoyed my journey thus far.  I compare it to graduate school:  it isn't easy, there are plenty of times that I just want to quit but I am so proud of myself for sticking with it.  It is so importatnt to me because of Anna.  I want her to have healthy eating habits and I need to set an example for her.

Dave is going to Blake also except he goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I have found it amusing to scare him about the class (the class I take on Monday, he takes on Tuesday and it is the same routine).  I tell him "Oh, that class is going to kill you tomorrow" or he complains of being sore and I tell him that he is a wimp.  I never said I was a nice girl  :)  It is great though that we are doing this together, we have been a good support for each other.  Of course I am competitive so I always want to do better than him and that motivates me and keeps me focused!

More pictures of Anna

Life as we know it

My beautiful baby girl is turning 6 months old this week, so hard to believe! She is so precious and I never thought I could love someone so much! The first 3 months were. . . .hell. Anna was colic so she never slept and when she was awake she screamed nonstop. The second night we got home with her, she screamed from 11pm - 5am. I remember at one pediatric visit, the doctor asked me "Are you enjoying her?" and I said "No" feeling the worst guilt in the world. The doctor(which is one of the many reasons I love her) replied "It is ok, I understand. My middle child was colic and it is hard to enjoy them when you are sleep deprived and exhausted". Everyone kept telling me "Just hold on, it gets better". I didn't believe them. Finally at 3 months, she slept! It was awesome! Now Anna sleeps from 8pm -7am and now I enjoy her so much! I am constantly amazed by her, watching her learn and grow into this unique little person. I find myself just staring at her in awe.  The first 3 months that were hell were definitely worth it. Parenthood to say the least is the most wonderful thing I have ever done. It is like marriage in that it has its good days and bad. It is really hard work but then again I don't believe anything in this life worth having is easy! My life now centers around someone so special.  So 6 months later here we are and I really have never been happier in my life.