Ooopsy Daisy!

I wish I was perfect because geez that would make life soooo much easier.  Unfortunately, like all of God's creations I am not perfect.  I make mistakes just like everyone else.  With mistakes comes forgiveness.  As I have gotten older I find that I am more forgiving than when I was younger.  I always ask myself "Is this the hill I want to die on?".  It is amazing how that simple question brings clarity to what is important and what isn't. 

My philosophy is life is too short to hold grudges and this is why I confront conflict.  I don't like being mad at someone and would rather talk and try to work it out than hold a grudge.  My father was an abusive drug addict and alcoholic.  I held on to so much anger that I had towards him for so long until I realized that the only person I was hurting was myself.  I forgave him and let go.  It wasn't the hill I wanted to die on. 

I am conducting a social skills group with some of the girls at the school I work for.  This week I taught them about the golden rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you), showing respect and apologizing.  It is funny how something so simple that can be taught to elementary students still escapes even the oldest of adults.  Adults that treat others with such little respect and do not apologize when they have made a mistake.  This again is where forgiveness comes in.  Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and forgive and let go.  After all forgiveness is for you, not them.

Sacrifice and Letting Go

Today is Ash Wednesday and marks the beginning of Lent.  I received an email today from my boss, who happens to be a nun and this is what it said:

"The Season of Lent, our season of preparation for Easter glory, begins today on Ash Wednesday, March 9, 2011. On Ash Wednesday we receive again the blessed ashes on our foreheads in the form of a cross as a reminder of our mortality (“Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return”) and our sorrow for personal sinfulness (“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23)”.  On Ash Wednesday Jesus reminds us to give alms (help others in need), pray in secret, and fast (practice self sacrifice for others). These spiritual disciplines coming from loving, humble hearts help us to faithfully follow our Lord Jesus in the way of the Cross. “Whoever would be my disciple must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me (Matthew 16:24).”  So often we are not ready to receive the rich blessings God intends for us because we are clinging to sin and to material goods, we are selfish and judgmental toward others. Lent is our opportunity to deal with these temptations and failures and by the mercy and grace of God learn to live more faithfully. It is then that Easter joy will become our own."

I have participated in Lent for a few years now.  No I am not Catholic but I do not feel that you have to be in order to participate in Lent.  Lent is about sacrifice, letting go and getting closer to God. This year I am giving up Facebook.  I know it may sound silly but I feel that there is so much of this world that takes our time and attention away from more important things and for me, Facebook is one of those.  I found myself checking Facebook instead of spending quality time and really being present with my family.  During Lent I am trying to focus on what really matters in my life and letting go of the things that don't.   

 

 

 

Opinions are like. . . .

There is the not-so-quite-old, tacky saying that "Opinions are like butt holes, everyone has one and they all stink".  I think of this saying when thinking about what I get asked a lot lately: "When are you going to have another baby?".  

I have responded to this question with different answers, "I don't know if I want another baby", "Probably when Anna is 2 y/o", "Never", "When I feel like it".  And no matter what I answer, it is met with many opinions from other people.  I get annoyed by being asked this quesion because what does it matter when and if I am going to have another baby.  I live my life according to my own plan not everyone elses'.  I don't have to see when Cindy Lou-Woo is going to have a baby so then I can determine if and/or when I am going to have a baby.  I choose what is right for me.

When I have said "I don't know if I want another baby" it is usually met with the popular opinion "YOU CAN'T HAVE AN ONLY CHILD!!!".  Really?  Last time I checked I can do whatever I flippin want!  I also get: "WHO WILL ANNA PLAY WITH?"  Um, hello she already has tons of friends and awesome cousins to play with!  "AREN'T YOU WORRIED THAT YOU WILL SPOIL ANNA IF SHE IS AN ONLY CHILD?"  Have you not met my child?  She has been spoiled since day 1!  "YOU HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD FOR WHEN YOU DIE!"  I'm not planning on going anywhere but thanks! 

I love Anna and thank God each and everyday for her but geez do I feel busy and worn out.  She is so spunky and I just think to myself "Can I handle another mini-Anna(who is like a mini-Hitler)?".  I have a hard time balancing being a wife, working full-time and being a mother to one child, what if I can't handle another child added to the mix.  I love Anna so much and what if I don't like the next child as much?  What if Dave and I are so busy with 2 kids that we start neglecting our marriage and end up resenting each other?  I'm 32 and do I have the energy to go through pregnancy and having sleepless nights again?  What if I have another colic baby?  These are the issues I think about and weigh heavily.  Having a child was a HUGE decision and the decision to have another one is even larger.   

When I answer "Probably when Anna is 2 y/o", it is usually met with "DO YOU REALLY WANT TO WAIT THAT LONG, THAT IS SUCH AN AGE GAP!"  Wow, roughly 3 years, what am I thinking?!  My husband is 10 years younger than his next sibling:  that my friend is an age gap!  "IF YOU WAIT THAT LONG OUR KIDS WON'T BE THE SAME AGE AND WON'T BE FRIENDS!"  Who says my awesome kid is going to like your kid anyway?! 

So when am I really going to have another baby?  Honestly I am not 100% certain if and when I want another baby.  What I am certain of is that I will do what is right for me and my family.  I like the idea of having another child so. . . . who knows! 

Weight Take 1,293,245

Weight, is any woman happy with hers?  I feel like I have been struggling with my weight essentially since I was about 13 years old.  It seems like the more I try to lose weight, the more weight I gain.  I do good for a little while and then I just fall right off the wagon! 

I feel so overwhelmed with work, being a good mom, being a good wife, taking care of the house, taking care of me.  Because of all of that it is really difficult for me to find time to exercise.  I have been going to a trainer for the past year and I attend religiously 2 times/week.  Where I struggle is finding time to do cardio and watching what I eat.

I love food.  I find it very comforting and I just really enjoy it.  Our Southern culture is centered around food.  We use food and drinks as ways to socialize.  Give me some carbs and I'm a happy girl!

Our Southern weather makes it misreable to be outside 99.9% of the time.  I know why people in Colorado are so healthy, they have awesome weather which allows them to be more active outdoors.  In Louisiana we have maybe 2-3 weeks out of the year where we have nice weather outside.  I take full advantage of this by loading Anna in BOB(our awesome jogging stroller and 4th family member) and going for walks outside.  I also have been having a lot of fun taking her outside to swing and slide on her playset. 

I am trying to lose weight but geez is it hard!  UGH!  If we can clone another human being why can't we discover a pill that keeps you skinny???  FYI: I hate all you naturally skinny bitches.

Adventures with a Toddler

I look at Anna and I can not believe how fast she has grown!  She changes everyday and most days I wish there was a "Pause" button I could push.  I have several nicknames for Anna such as Anna Banana, Pumpkin, Pumpkalicious, Pumpkin-doodle, Monkey, Pumpkinator(like Terminator), Doodle bug, Princess, Diva, Brat, Mini-Dave, Mini-Faye(my grandmother who had quite the attitude).  Yes, Anna probably has more nicknames than any other person alive.  :)

It is amazing how wonderful being a mother is.  I have this little petite girl with a big attitude and personality to match.  She definitely has a mind of her own and is not going to do anything she doesn't want to(can't imagine where she gets that from).  She runs and walks with a twist that is so adorable and funny at the same time.  She never stops moving and is so A.D.D.  Anna's favorite things to play with is items that she can organize or take a part and put back together such as blocks, stacking cups, buckets, etc.

This past month Anna has really started talking a lot and singing and dancing.  For Valentine's Day she received a card that sings when you open it and everytime Anna opens it and hears the song, she starts twirling.  It is seriously the cutest thing ever.  I am sure every mother has moments like this and they are so precious.  They are the moments you thank God for blessing you with this wonderful little person.

Anna never stops moving which is probably her saving grace because she eats a TON!  She eats more than any kid I know but luckily also she loves veggies and fruits.  I am constantly chasing after Anna and for such a tiny person she sure can move fast!  I feel like I am always preventing the next disaster!

Anna is very much like Dave in the sense that she has to be entertained.  She is definitely not one of those quiet kids that enjoy playing by themself.  I have to say that I am glad she isn't though.  She has so much personality and spunk.  Anna loves her "Ba" which is her pacifier.  I try to only give it to her at bedtime but when she is yelling "Ba Momma Ba!" it is kinda hard to hold out!  I think we will takle that mountain when she is 2! 

I love my child more than I ever thought was possible.  I am amazed daily by her.  There are moments in motherhood that I wish I could delete (like when I accidentially slammed Anna's fingers in a door hinge) but overall it is one of the best experiences of my life.  Every day is a new adventure with this perfect little girl!

New Year & Changes

A new year usually brings about changes.  I have had many changes recently.  Our addition (bathroom, fireplace) and renovations (closets) are FINALLY finished after 7 long months!  It was so frustrating coming home to complete chaos during the process.  I got tired of having strange men in my home, especially at 7am on a Saturday.  I think our neighbors were about to kill us as well!

I changed jobs at the begining of the year.  I started a new job at Christus Schumpert's School-Based Health Center at Atkins Elementary!  I was not looking for another job when this opportunity presented itself.  I loved working with the people I had come to know as close friends at FMC and it was not a job that I was wanting to leave but I got into social work because I wanted to work with children.  I applied and interviewed with Schumpert hoping that I would get the job but also had faith that whatever was meant to happen would be.  It was so hard leaving FMC but so far I absolutely LOVE my job at Atkins!! 

My provisional year with Junior League is almost up and I have really enjoyed  it.  I have met some awesome women and I am so glad that I decided to join!  My placement has been playing BINGO with the kids at LSUHSC each month and I have had so much fun! 

Life tends to get busier and busier.  Being a full-time working mother is exhausting!  Trying to balance work, being a good mother and wife, time for exercise and time for myself is difficult.  I always feel like I am having to sacrifice one thing for another.  I am at the point in my life where my time away from home has to be worth it and had to make changes recently because some things just weren't worth it anymore.

I have lived in Shreveport for 8 years and have had a difficult time making friends.  I feel like some of the girls of Shreveport and I just do not have to same values.  I value people because of their character not because of ther social standing or yearly income. Some girls are still so caught up with high school and haven't moved beyond it even though it has been 10+ years.  I just don't understand this at all!  I am also the type of person that does not need to talk to someone on a daily basis or constantly do things together to prove we are best of friends.  I will talk to someone all day long in person but I hate talking on the phone.  Text messaging was the best invention ever!  Britt was my bff and when she moved I was utterly heartbroken.  She was the only person I felt I could really relate and talk to in Shreveport.  It isn't until recently that I have felt like I have that close of a friendship again and I am very thankful for it!

My daughter keeps changing and I just have mixed feelings about it!  I love seeing how she is growing up and developing as this little person but I just don't want her to grow up too fast or miss a moment!  She looks more and more like Dave but unfortunately inherited my talent of throwing a fit and being a brat!  It is really hard not to laugh when she is being bad because she is so darn cute!  It is wonderful to see how Dave and I have changed because of Anna.  I think we do better working together and just don't sweat the small stuff as much anymore.

One Size

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, ok truth be told it is my favorite.  I know Christmas is probably suppose to be but I find Christmas so hectic and stressful.  Anyway back on topic, I love Halloween!  I always have.  When I was young my mother and aunt would throw a Halloween party for all the kids and I remember always having so much fun.  This year I wanted to have a Halloween party, I don't know how successful it was but it was fun and that was the whole point!  It was so much fun seeing all the kiddos in their costumes.

When I was searching for a costume, I knew I wanted to be the Wicked Witch since Anna was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz (my favorite movie).  The search for an appropriate costume was not so easy.  Somehow women can only be slutty _______(fill in the blank).  It is all Sexy Witch or Sexy Pirate, etc.  In order to get a decent, child appropriate costume I had to get a plus size costume.  The "One Size Fits Most" costumes were all slutty.  Halloween is a time to dress up in what you normally would never do but when did that translate into "I want to look like a whore"?  And the "One Size Fits Most" don't even get me started!  The average American woman is a size 14 so when it says "One Size Fits Most" who is "Most" suppose to be???  A 12 year old?  This country and the social norms drive me insane!

Weight No More!

Ok, so I am tired of being chubby, volumptious, curvy, hefty, chunky, grande, fat, or whatever else you want to call it.  I was a very skinny and active child and was fairly slim until my Senior year in high school.  I was on the basketball team in high school (shocker I know!) and then my Senior year I wanted to be a cheerleader and that is when I started gaining weight.  When I played basketball I ran daily even in the summer, when I became a cheerleader I stopped exercising as much but continued eating.  College brought on the "Freshman 15" and I have struggled with my weight off and on since then.

This past year I have really been reflecting and one of the things I am wanting to change is my weight.  I want to be healthy and proud of how I look.  I am tired of feeling ashamed.  I started working out with a trainer 2 times a week in January but I really don't think I have been in the right mind set until now.  I can do this!  I made it through college, graduate school, and basically natural childbirth so damn it I can lose weight and get in shape!

Each month I will post a pic and weight  Total weight loss goal:  -50 lbs.  Here is this month's (WARNING:  If you just ate you might not want to look, it ain't pretty! :)

Current weight:  185 lbs.

Anyone else who would like to join me on this journey, feel free to post also!

Lately

We have gone on little trips with Anna but this was our first official vacation with Anna.  It is amazing how much more you have to pack to go on vacation with a child!  Our car was packed!  

We went first to New Orleans and then to Destin.  New Orleans is one of my favorite places to be.  It is the heart of Louisiana, history and our culture.  It is a place where no one cares how you dress, how you act.  You can be free to just be you.  I also have a special place in my heart for New Orleans because my grandmother who passed away several years ago loved New Orleans.  The only item of hers that I have is a plate with St. Louis Cathedral and Jackson Square painted on it.  So needless to say every time I am in New Orleans I feel her there.  

New Orleans is alive once again.  It has been through so much lately from hurricanes and oil spills but you can feel the spirit of Louisiana and its people everywhere you go.  The only bad thing I can say about our trip to NOLA is that Dave lost my driver's license and Anna would not sleep in her pack-n-play in the hotel.  Overall I had a wonderful time in NOLA.

We traveled on to Destin.  First let me say that traveling in a car with a one year old is not a whole lotta fun!  She fussed, we got in horrible traffic jams and we were all just ready to be there.  Destin was gorgeous!  I had not been to the beach in 2 years since I was in my last trimester last year and unable to travel.  The beach and water was prettier than I had seen it in a very long time.  Anna LOVED the beach.  She loved playing in the sand and being in the water.  We had a lot of fun but it is stressful still because everything is centered around this little person.  Sometimes it is aggravating because you get tired of having to plan everything and it is hard to relax.  I loved seeing Anna's reaction to everything and getting to experience all of these firsts with her and that made it all worth it.

We returned from our vacation so that I could do the ropes course at Camp Forbing for Junior League.  I had so much fun!!  I got to know a lot of great girls even better and challenged myself.  I climbed to the top of the rock wall which was a big one for me.  I didn't know if I had enough upper body strength to do it but I did.  I jumped off a 30 ft. platform also.  I was so proud of myself for being able to do things that I didn't feel confident that I could do.  I have bragged to everyone :)  That's life though:  scary, challenging, rewarding, fun.

I have always had a close relationship with God.  It is not something that I feel the need to prove to everyone.  I grew up in church and have always prayed through the good and bad times.  I know that God is always there and is my rock when I have no one to lean on.  One of my personal beliefs is that God leads, I follow.  He leads me in directions I may not really want to go but where I need to go.  Right now I feel like he is leading me towards a particular situation.  I feel like I and my husband have not really reached out as we should.  I told Dave about this and he was like "Oh you just feel that way because you are a social worker and you like helping people".  That may be but I also feel very strongly that it is God leading me in this particular direction.  It is hard for Dave to understand because he did not grow up in church and does not have a relationship with God.  This is one of the things I pray for is that one day Dave will.  In the meantime I am following God and doing my best to follow his plan.

What I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

There was an article on the front page of this past Sunday of the Shreveport Times that really hit home for me.  It was about a family trying to prevent their father from getting released from prision.  Andrew Ayres Sr. is in prision for physical and sexual abuse and neglect of his now 10 grown children.  I went to school with this man's children.  Their last names was Ayres so everyone referred to them as "The Ayres Kids".  One of the children William was in my class, we were only in the 6th grade.  Everyone in our town knew these kids were being severely abused.  The children came to school wearing the same dirty clothes everyday, covered in bruises and starving.  Everyone heard the stories that their dad had a chain around the refrigerator and refused the kids from eating at home.  The only meals they ever had was breakfast and lunch at school which they scarfed down and ate every bite.  The cafeteria workers (my grandmother being one of them) would give the kids double portions.  When the children had head lice, the father shaved all of their heads (including the girls) and made the girls wear these horrible old lady wigs to school.  One Christmas our class got together and bought a new pair of jeans for William that we made it look like he had just been lucky and drew the number for that present.  I remember he wore a  blue "Who Killed J.R.?" T-shirt  and those jeans to school everyday.  The kids never had coats when it was cold and never wore socks.  The father threatened our school bus driver with a gun because she was trying to stand up for the kids.  My heart went out to the kids and it still does.  I can not imagine the hell they went through on a daily basis.  I am in awe of their courage and strength.  I have more respect for them than anyone else I have ever met.

I remember being in sixth grade wondering why when everyone knew that these children were being abused yet no one did anything.  It was at that point in sixth grade that I decided I wanted to be a social worker.  I knew that I wanted to help people, I wanted to do something when no one else did, I wanted to make a difference and make the world better for some people.  I went to college and had everyone I knew trying to talk me out of being a social worker, "You'll never make any money" is what I often heard.  I stuck with it though.  When I applied to social work graduate school at LSU I had to write a letter of intent, basically asking why I wanted to be a social worker.  I wrote the above story in my letter.  Yes, I don't make a lot of money-in fact Social Work is the worst paying college degree!!  I don't care though.  My job has so many more rewards than money.  I know that everyday no matter how little I am making a difference and that is enough for me.

I continue to keep the Ayres kids in my thoughts and prayers.

Anna is 1

Anna turned one last weekend!  Yay for me for not killing the baby!  Seriously Anna made it to one and she's in pretty good shape!  Not too many falls, scratches or serious injuries/illnesses!  I'm not such a bad parent after all!

This year has flown by, I can't believe it!  Being a mom is the hardest yet best thing I have ever done in my life.  Words can not even begin to describe what it is like being a mom and the love you have for your child.  It is like finding the love of your life, you have no idea what it is like until you do it.  Other people can tell you but until you experience it yourself do you truly understand.  I can be having the worst day ever and seeing Anna makes me forget everything.  I consider myself one lucky girl with having Dave as my husband and Anna as my daughter.  There is nothing else in the world that can make me as happy as those two.

Anna's birthday party was a cupcake party and I think she had a really good time.  It was mixed emotions with her turning one.  Sadness that she was already growing up so fast and no longer a baby and then excitement that she is growing up and the adventures that await us!

Confessions

Cue Usher song:  "These are my confessions. . . .".

Confession 1:  I have girl crushes (in a total non-lesbian kind of way).  My girl crushes are women that I would want to be more like, not crushes in the sense that I'm attracted to them.  My celebrity girl crush is Heidi Klum.  I mean she's gorgeous and also a successful model, Project Runway host/creator, mom and wife.  My regular person girl crush is a girl in my work out class.  She has a great body and one that I would like to have.  She isn't super skinny but she is very toned and healthy.  That is what I am striving for right now.  I will never be one of those super skinny bitches and I am totally ok with that.  I like having curves because it makes me feel womanly.  I would just like my curves more toned.

Confession 2:  I really just don't like some people.  I use to think that if I didn't like everyone, then something must be wrong with me.  I tried everything I could to try to give these people the benefit of the doubt and try to like them but yet I still didn't.  I have now accepted that it isn't me, it is them and it is ok to not like everyone.

Confession 3:  I hate wearing make-up and fixing my hair.  Hello Humidity is not my bff!  With 102 temps and 100% humidity I just think what is the point of even trying to look nice!

Confession 4:  I am a magazine junkie.  I love some US Weekly, InStyle, People, Health, People Style, Women's Health, and Parents magazine!  I buy probably 2-4 in a week.  Yikes!

Confession 5:  I am on the border of being considered a hoarder.  I can't get organized which I chalk up mostly to being so friggin' ADD.  I start things that I never finish and I am so easily distracted.  I should probably be medicated but oh well.  I have little piles of crap all over my house.  Things to get to but I never do.  It drives me almost insane but I am also a procrastinator so you see my dilema!

Confession 6:  My husband is the love of my life but seriously there are some days I just want to chuck something and hit him upside the head.  Only the person you love can make you so mad!

Confession 7:  I am NOT a morning person and I hate cheerful morning people.  Let me have my coffee, give me another 30 minutes and then we can have a conversation.

Confession 8:  I have road rage and most family members and friends that know me well refuse to talk to me on the phone while I am driving.  I can't stand idiot drivers.

Confession 9:  I always return my shopping cart to the return bin in the parking lot.  It is a habit, I can't help it.

Confession 10:  I really do wish I had a death ray gun and some minions.

Confession 11:  I don't mind when friends copy me but when it is almost everything I do/have then it starts to freak me out in a "Single White Female" kind of way.

Hobbies!

If someone had asked me a couple of months ago what my hobbies were I would have replied "Um shopping and reading?".  I am starting to branch out and discover interests that have kind of always been there.  I have always considered myself as a fairly creative person.  I use to paint, draw, create crafts, and scrapbook in the past and always enjoyed it.  I went to Painting with a Twist a couple of months ago and just really fell in love with painting again.  (Note:  Painting the Peacock was not a success).  I did however paint two other things that turned out really well.  So the other day I went to Michael's and loaded up on paint supplies.  I have started my first painting and I am really excited.  I am definitely no Van Gogh but that's ok!

Anna has not been an easy child to photograph.  In the beginning she was always so grouchy and now she's happy but won't sit still for a second.  This results in blurred pictures or pictures of the back of her head.  Dave has not wanted to spend money to get a professional photographer and now my child is almost a year old and I have maybe a handful of decent pictures of her.  I told him the other day he was buying me a good high-speed camera so that I can take pictures of Anna.  Again photography was something else I enjoyed when I was younger.  My parents had a really good Canon camera and I would take pictures of everything including our ostriches and my grandfather's cows! I remember practicing with the different settings but having to wait until the film developed to see how the pictures turned out.  Thank God for digital now!  I haven't gotten my camera in yet but I am ready to take pics of my little flash baby.

Reading has always been the greatest hobby of mine and that has not changed.  I have phases where I will read for 3 months straight and then not read anything for like 2 months.  I love reading and I read all kinds of books.   I read educational books(mommy books), nonfiction(mostly stuff about the Holocost, cults or human rights, yes I am weird) and fiction.  I just ordered some new books from Amazon and I can't wait for them to come in.  Here is what I ordered:  "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro, "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett, "Water for Elephants" by Sara Guen and "Night" by Elie Wiesel.  I also just bought "The Girl Who Played With Fire" at Target since I just finished the previous book in the series.  Currently I am reading "The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner" by Stephenie Meyer.  Yes, I am a Twihard fan and I am so on Team Edward.  

I Have A Confession

Ok so the thing that I have been debating over the past few months. . . . .Junior League (gasp!).  It's ok to judge me, I do.  I always had an idea of the Junior League as being a bunch of rich, non-working, suburban driving, exercise loving, trophy wives.  The mere idea of joining the Junior League made me cringe and disgusted me.  Then. . . .I went to an informational meeting with a friend and discovered I was completely wrong.  Yes, the above description does apply to some women but I found that most women in the Junior League were a lot like me: a full-time working, exercise hating, ordinary, plain Jane.  I met a lot of great women that I am excited to get to know.  One of my resolutions at the beginning of the year was to branch out, meet new people and get involved in charity work.  The Junior League is the perfect way for me to accomplish this.  It is something I never in a million years thought I would do but sometimes it is nice being wrong.  So yes, ugh I'm joining the Junior League (it is just going to take some time for me to get use to the idea).