I Have A Confession

Ok so the thing that I have been debating over the past few months. . . . .Junior League (gasp!).  It's ok to judge me, I do.  I always had an idea of the Junior League as being a bunch of rich, non-working, suburban driving, exercise loving, trophy wives.  The mere idea of joining the Junior League made me cringe and disgusted me.  Then. . . .I went to an informational meeting with a friend and discovered I was completely wrong.  Yes, the above description does apply to some women but I found that most women in the Junior League were a lot like me: a full-time working, exercise hating, ordinary, plain Jane.  I met a lot of great women that I am excited to get to know.  One of my resolutions at the beginning of the year was to branch out, meet new people and get involved in charity work.  The Junior League is the perfect way for me to accomplish this.  It is something I never in a million years thought I would do but sometimes it is nice being wrong.  So yes, ugh I'm joining the Junior League (it is just going to take some time for me to get use to the idea).

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

I am so sick of all the excuses lately.  Jesse James used the excuse that he was physically and emotionally abused as a child by his father and that is why he cheated on Sandra Bullock.  Tiger Woods used the excuse that he was a sex addict as the reason he cheated on his wife.  Michael Jackson used the excuse that an event that happened in the late 80's was the reason he was a drug addict.  These are just celebrity examples but I have been hearing plenty of excuses with people I know.  Somehow people's behavior is excusable if they can cough up a decent reason.  It's ok to be a shitty person as long as you have some past event you can blame it on.  Whatever happened to people taking responsibility for their own actions?  It seems more common and popular to just make excuses rather than owning up.

One of my favorite actresses is Reese Witherspoon.  She and her most handsome hubby split up a few years back reportedly because he was having an affair.  In a magazine article Reese was quoted as saying that after the divorce she had to evaluate and own up to what was her responsibility in the failure of their marriage.  This is something that just made me like her even more.  In any relationship that goes sour, each person needs to own up to their responsibility.  No matter if it is a marriage, friendship, work relationship, etc.  Each person contributes to the breakdown and yes, sometimes one person contributes more to that breakdown such as cheating.  It is easier to point blame rather than looking at ourselves and what we contributed to situations. Like the saying goes, anytime you point a finger there is always three fingers pointing back at you.

One of my biggest pet peeves is someone blaming their actions on someone else or something that happened in the past.  "She has poor boundaries because she had such a rough upbringing", "He cheated because he was abused as a kid", "We stopped being friends because she talked about me behind my back".   Everyone has difficult times in their life but some use that difficult time to make excuses and gather sympathy rather than grow up and be an adult.  So in essence, grow a pair and take some responsibility rather than making excuses.

. . .And She's Off!

Today Anna crawled!!  I have been suspecting that Anna was crawling for a little while now but had never been able to catch her in action until today.  She has been a sneaky crawler!  Her boyfriend, Cayden at daycare started crawling last week so I figured it would be no time before Anna was chasing after him.  I came home from work out today and  Dave had Anna on the floor and she was crying.  The daycare worker told him that Anna was crawling all over the place today at daycare and Dave wanted to see her crawl.  About 2 seconds after Dave walked out the door Anna(pitifully crying) crawled to me to pick her up!!  I was met with mixed emotions.  On one hand I am excited that she is growing up and on the other hand I am sad that she is growing up.

Then I go to give Anna a bath and as I am running the water, she is clapping!  She loves water and was so excited to be getting a bath that she was clapping.  It was the first time I have seen her clap and it was precious.

These are the moments that just make me smile and thank God for the blessing named Anna.  I love being a mom and just didn't know how much I could love someone so little until I had Anna.  Her smile can make my day no matter what else is going on.  I look forward to each moment I have with her because I know each moment is precious.  I love my husband and daughter and really could not ask for anything more.  So milestone crawling: check.  Milestone walking: in progress.

Sailing Away

I will be sailing away to Mexico in almost one week!  I am excited, sad and scared all at the same time.  It is the first time in several years that I will be away from Dave that long and I have never been away from Anna more than a day.  I know Dave will do a great job of taking care of Anna while I am gone, I'm just going to miss them both so much.  I am taking a girls trip with my mom, sister and my mom's bff, Sandy.  I am looking forward to just relaxing even though I know I am still going to be missing my bunny and pumpkin.  Hopefully my sister and I will not kill each other.  We are complete opposites and can only spend limited time together.  Last time we took a cruise we did good, so here is hoping that history repeats itself! 

I watched two movies this weekend that had beautiful scenery and just made me wanting to travel even more so:  "Vicky Cristinia Barcelona" which took place in Spain and "Letters to Juliet" which took place in Italy.  I am a very curious person which probably explains my daughter a lot (she is very curious) and I would love spending the rest of my life traveling the world.  There are so many places I want to visit both within the U.S. and abroad.  I have made a list of such places and hopefully with time, mark each one off!  Dave is not big on traveling mostly because it requires flying so I know I will take some trips without him but of course never alone because what's the point of that!  Experiences are only fun if you have others to share in them!

Keeping Up With The Jones'

This morning I was reading a blog that just really spoke to me.  It was of a guy who was a corporate lawyer in DC who decided he was not happy working 80+ hours a week and wanted more purpose in his life.  He now works non-profit.  He also packed up most of his clothes and gave them to charity and now focuses on living a simple but purposeful life.  I enjoyed reading this stranger's blog because it really made me think about what is important to me.

I grew up poor so material things really don't matter that much to me.  To me, material things do not make you happy.  I really don't care about how big my house is, what car I drive or how much I spent on my clothes.  Anyone that knows me knows that I am a bargain shopper and I only buy things on sale.  My child's clothing comes from:  hand-me-downs, Target and the thrift store.  I find it silly to spend $50 on one single clothing item for a 9 month old child.  I grew up just wanting to live in a real house because I had always lived in a trailer house.  I told Dave when he was buying me an SUV that I didn't care what he bought me as long as it wasn't a Hyundai(only because they are crap cars).  He bought me an Audi because he knew I liked it and just wants to make me happy.

I struggle with trying to always focus on what is really important in life and not care about the material things that just don't matter.  I sometimes get caught up in other people's value on material things.  Now I am just getting to the point where I don't care if someone talks bad about me.  Money and "things" do not make you happy.   Dave tells me all of the time that he works hard so that he can give Anna and I whatever we want and I constantly tell him that all I want is him and Anna.  It is that simple.  As long as we are not struggling to make ends meet, I really do not care about the rest.

 I went to a friend's house for an event this past year and I along with other friends brought food and went early to visit with this friend.  Later on in the evening this friend had some acquaintances show up and she placed more emphasis on these acquaintances than us (friends) because these acquaintances have more of a social status( well known families, money, etc.)  My feelings were very hurt.  I value people based on who they are not what they are.

When I was in eighth grade one of my best friends wore a pair of cool purple jeans (yes, purple-it was the early 90's) to school one day.  I told her I liked her jeans and she said, "They're Girbaud".  This meant nothing to me so I asked her what Girbaud jeans were and she explained it.  I just thought they were cool jeans, still didn't matter to me what brand they were or that they cost $80.

I just think sometimes we all get so caught up on the material things that we don't focus so much on the things that really matter in life.  The things that really matter to me right now:  having a good marriage with my husband, having a healthy and happy daughter, spending time with family and friends, being a good person, making a difference, following God's path.  I have no interest in keeping up with the Jones' because in the end that isn't what matters.

The Toothless Bandit

A new mom said to me today "I just am not sure what I am doing is right" in referring to how she is feeling as a new mom.  I told her I've been a mom for 9 months now and I still feel this way.  You read books, people give you all kinds of advice and opinions (most unwanted) and you still feel uncertain that you are doing the right thing.  For example, my child still has no teeth.  I refer to Anna as "The Toothless Bandit".  She currently is eating baby food three times a day and bottles in between.  I look at the recommended guidelines and this is perfectly acceptable but other people feel free to tell me what their kid ate and basically insinuate that the way I am feeding Anna is all wrong.  UGH!  Please tell me how I am suppose to give my child meat when she does not have any teeth in which to chew said meat?!  Yes, please I would love my child to choke!

I am pretty strict on what I introduce and feed Anna.  Excuse me but I do not want my child eating crap food.  I am trying my best to instill in Anna good and healthy eating habits so that she might carry this with her throughout life.  I have learned that I need to lay off on all the orange veggies (carrots, squash, sweet potatoes) because Anna is looking a little jaundice.  I thought only carrots caused this but I found out today otherwise! (See pic of her orange nose at the bottom of post!) I'm not a perfect parent nor will I ever be.  I am just trying my best and that is all I can do.  I told new mom what I believe:  every child is different, every parent is different and different isn't wrong.  Hey if you want to give your child sugar and disgusting processed meat, go ahead I don't care.  Just please don't judge me because I don't do things the way you do.  I am fully aware that I am OCD when it comes to my daughter and I'm ok with that.  I told Dave before we had Anna that I was going to be overprotective of her because that is just how I am.  Anyone who knows me knows that I fully research each and every product we ever buy for Anna(bottles, swing, food, etc.)  I'm just like this and although to some it may seem extreme, I don't really care.

On my birth board, breastfeeding was always a hot topic and everyone was judging.  I wanted to breastfeed but unfortunately I was very sick after I had Anna and that combined with being put on medication that affected my supply, I couldn't.  I was crushed and became very depressed that I could not breastfeed.  I also felt like everyone was judging me because I wasn't breastfeeding even though I wanted to but couldn't.  I know on my birth board there were ladies that chose not to breastfeed and boy did they get beat up.  Yes, breastmilk is best but if the mother does not want to do it she shouldn't get slammed for it.  I'm just happy if the child is getting fed regardless if it is by breastmilk or formula.

I just hate all the judgement that comes along with being a mother.  As a mother you do what is best for you and your child but unfortunately everyone has an opinion about what you are doing.  I told new mom today that you just have to let everyone's opinions and judgement slide off your back.  Love your child, that is the most important thing after all.

Life in the Fast Lane

Wow!  I was just thinking today how fast life changes.  They say as you get older, time moves much faster and I would definitely have to agree.  I look at Anna today and I can not believe she is 9 months old. . . . where did the time go?!  She is changing and growing everyday and some days I just want to hit a pause button so I don't miss anything.  I, now more than ever am just trying to be "present" in each and every moment.  I want to cherish each moment I have because next time I turn around Anna may be graduating high school!

I think about how much I have changed through the years and the things that use to seem so important just aren't anymore.  Dave and I were laughing last night as we were headed home from having dinner at a friend's house and was just completely looking forward to going home and watching a movie(and it was 8pm).  Four years ago we would have just been getting our night started!  Weekends that were spent hanging out at the river all day and going to the bars at night are now spent hanging out with friends depending on everyone's child nap/sleep schedule.  I wouldn't change it for the world.  I can honestly say I have never been happier in my life.  It just amazes me however how fast life changes.  I was looking at old pictures and I just had that "Wow" moment where I realized what seemed like yesterday was so long ago.  I reflected over how I have changed as a person and thought about where I have been, where I am now and where I want to go.  I looked to see if I am on the path I want to be on rather than just the path life has led me to.

Visiting friends in the hospital as they had their babies was such a surreal experience this past couple of weeks.  It felt like yesterday that Dave and I was there with Anna and now she is 9 months old.  It is amazing to me how much she alone has changed in these 9 months.  She went from a cranky, screaming, never sleeping baby with all this dark black hair to a happy, always smiling, sleeping through the night blonde haired child!  It is going to be so much fun watching Anna and all her new friends grow up together.  Hopefully Anna won't be too bad of an influence!  :)

Randomness

My A.D.D. is kicking in full gear this morning, I probably need to be medicated for it but oh well!  Hence, the blog title is "Randomness", just my random A.D.D. musings!  Hope you are able to follow along.  :)

First off this morning I was thinking about invites.  I am planning Anna's first birthday party(yes, I love planning parties) and I am thinking about what size of party to have.  I do not want huge but yet I get to the case "Well, if I invite that person then I must invite that person" and so on and so on.  I get really tired of this.  Why can't I just invite who I want anymore?!  I thought about doing only family but then Anna has baby friends(bff of course right now is Cecilia) and I don't want to leave them out but doing so opens up the door.  People get their feelings hurt when they are not included in EVERYTHING!  This is stupid.  I'm sorry but I'm not responsible for your feelings.  I don't get invited to a lot of things but I don't whine about it.  Some people feel like they are somehow entitled to be invited to everything anyone does and guess what, they aren't.  I should be free to invite who I want without having to include those I don't want to.  Case in point, this past year for my birthday.  I just wanted a quiet intimate dinner witha few friends.  I did not want spend my birthday with everyone I know.  Somehow asking this was somehow wrong of me and people got mad that they were not invited.  IT WAS MY FRIGGIN BIRTHDAY!  Another example was right after Anna was born Dave and I just invited another couple over to the house to watch the LSU game.  Anna was colic and we could not have a  big rowdy crowd and her bedroom backs up to the den but others got their feelings hurt and were mad because we didn't invite them over.  CRAZY!  I'm sorry but my child is more important than other people's feelings, especially when those people are being selfish.  I feel like I shouldn't have to be guilted when I don't want to include everyone I know to every single thing I do.  So to summarize my thoughts this morning:  People need to get over themselves in feeling like they have the right to be invited to every single thing.  If I do not want to include everyone I know, that should be ok.  It isn't to be mean, it is to keep things simple and small.  Needless to say that if you don't get an invite to Anna's birthday party and get mad. .  . well, get over it and if you don't then call me not my husband!

The next of my A.D.D. thoughts this morning kind of tie into the previous.  You can see how my mind works.  There is a saying "Good fences make good neighbors".  This makes me think of boundaries and what is appropriate.  You must have boundaries in your life.  There are times I have to set boundaries with family, work and friends.  Some people do not understand the concept of appropriate boundaries and in this case the boundaries aren't clear and become enmeshed.  I guess because boundaries are a social work/therapy concept I am very aware of my boundaries with others.  Because some people do not have appropriate boundaries they do not have appropriate relationships with people.  Example:  a single male does not stay at a married female's house when the spouse is not home.  Even though the male and female are just friends and it may be innocent, it isn't appropriate.  It is a boundary that is enmeshed.  Some people are the epitomy of the saying "You give them an inch, they take a foot".  These people do not have boundaries so you must be the one to set them.  They tend to not like it but oh well.

 Life is changing and it is exciting.  Anna grows everyday and continues to amaze me.  She was giggling so much yesterday that it made me giggle.  She is so sweet and happy.  Makes me feel like I'm not screwing up too much as a mom!  I have never been happier in my life.  I have a wonderful loving husband and a beautiful, happy and healthy baby girl.  I don't mean to sound like I am bragging, I just wonder sometimes how I got so lucky!  God has really blessed me and I thank him for it everyday!

I am still working out  and boy has Blake been kicking my butt.  Last night's work out was brutal!  I feel like I am going to die during the work out but feel so good about myself afterwards.  I am struggling on getting my cardio on the days not working out.  Just seems like there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I need to do. 

I am contemplating something I swore I would never do and that sucks!  I hate being wrong!  I'm not ready to say yet what it is because I am still on the fence about it.  Boy is Dave going to make fun of me if I do decide that I am going to do it because I have made fun of it for years.  Stay posted.

Girls

I get tired of being friends with girls.  Why?  Because we are all so petty and mean at times.  It is like some natural instinct to want to tear another girl a part.  We are always competing against each other.  We talk bad about each other, we put each other down and we are just overall very immature.  I have tried to not be this way but I admit it is hard.  I just really get annoyed when people make comments about things that don't matter like what a child is wearing.  Who cares?  As long as a child is dressed appropriately for weather and circumstance, what is the big deal?!  I honestly do not care what my child wears to daycare.  She is going to daycare!  I am not going to put her in smocked clothing, what is the point?  Do the daycare workers care about what my child is wearing?  Nope!  Do the other babies go "OMG, look at what Anna's mom put her in?!"?  NO!  What matters to me is that my child is happy and healthy.  If someone doesn't like what my child is wearing, suck it!

I also get annoyed by girls that are ALWAYS putting someone down.  Get over yourself already!  Everyone has different style and just because it doesn't match your style doesn't make their style wrong.   I admit sometimes I see people (the Boardwalk is a perfect example) that I go "What the hell is she wearing?" or "Did she get dressed in the dark?" or "Does ____ think it is Halloween?" or "Geez, she looks like a hooker".  I just try to keep it to myself, sometimes I am not successful but I still try.  Being friends with someone especially means not saying these things behind their back.  It's just ugly.  Again, I have been guilty of talking bad about other girls behind their back but if it is someone I consider a friend, I try not to.  I have been trying to not engage when someone else is doing it but it is like a natural instinct and you sometimes just get caught up in it.   Sometimes I feel like I should be in 6th grade again when I am around certain girls.

I heard something the other day that I felt was so true: "Women dress for other women not for men".  Men don't care about what we are wearing, they probably would prefer we wear nothing at all!  When a woman is getting dressed she thinks about what other women she is going to see will be wearing and tries to look better.  The instant we see the other women we do a quick one-over of their outfit and then decide if we look better.  If we don't feel like we do, we immediately want to go change!  Any woman that states she does not do this is a big, fat liar.  So why do we do all this???  Simple, we are completely insane!  No, truth being we are all insecure.  Skinny, fat, tall, short we are all insecure about how we look.  We take this insecurity out on other women.  Somehow if we put others down about their looks, then we feel better and more secure about our looks.   I realized yesterday that there is a girl that always complements me but I always fail to compliment her.  I almost always like how she dresses but I never tell her.  I thought about why I do this and it dawned on me, I'm jealous and insecure!  Insanity I tell you!
So from now on, I said I am going to make a conscious effort to compliment this girl when I like something she is wearing.  Maybe as women, if we compliment each other more than putting each other down we might get somewhere!

Being a mother has really changed me, I look at things differently.  I think about how my actions are going to affect her.  I want Anna to always feel beautiful, to not worry about other girls, to not put another girl down because she is feeling insecure or jealous, to not compare herself to other girls.  Mostly I want Anna to just be a nice person who accepts others for who they are.  I want to give Anna the best of everything in life but I still want her to be humble.  I feel like children learn from example so I am trying to be that example for her.  It isn't easy, but I'm trying.

Anna's First Easter

My Gram, who is my stepfather's mother has been in poor health recently.  Every year we attend church with Gram in Natchitoches and then have Easter lunch at her house.  It was especially important to me that we spend Easter with Gram this year again since she has been feeling so rotten lately.  This was Anna's first Easter and it was a great one!  She sat in church with us and did excellent.  She kept staring at the lady beside me but other than that she was an angel!  We went to Gram's house for Easter lunch and then hunted Easter eggs.  Anna did not like being on the grass at all!  She's a little diva!  After Gram's we traveled back to Shreveport and had Easter dinner with Dave's family.  Anna was so worn out but she had a terrific first Easter!

Love and Marriage

I have the Bundy TV show theme song stuck in my head as I am writing this blog hence the title.  People watch these romantic comedy movies and think that love is so easy and of course you live happily ever after.  Well, the truth of it is that love is easy but marriage is not.  Marriage takes a lot of hard work.  There are days where you can't stand the way your spouse is breathing.  You look at your spouse and think, "Why the heck did I marry you?".  You always love your spouse but there are days you don't like them too much.  I think this is absolutely normal but it is the stuff no one talks about.  The people who say their marriage is perfect and that they never fight are big, fat liars.  Somehow it is shameful to admit that there are days you struggle in your marriage and I just think "Hey let's be honest".

Since having Anna, my marriage has been on a roller coaster.  Dave and I have been so focused on taking care of this little person and trying to be the best parents possible that until now we stopped working on our marriage.  There have been days where we have been like "Ok, let's call it quits".  Marriage is hard but having a baby is even harder.  You both start feeling unappreciated by the other and start resenting each other.  I got very concerned that basically Dave and I weren't going to make it in our marriage.  The analytical social worker I am started researching and found that the majority of couples report dissatisfaction with their marriage after having a baby.  Because no one I know who had a baby every talked about it, I thought Dave and I were doomed to get a divorce.  Turns out WE'RE NORMAL!!  Life after baby is hard on your marriage and it is normal to fight more.  You are so busy taking care of baby and the extra chores that come along from having baby that you stop taking care of each other.

Anna was colic when she was born and for the first 3 months I was just trying to stay sane.  Sleep deprivation combined with nonstop screaming really does a number on your nerves.  The last thing I cared about was my marriage.  I just wanted sleep and a happy baby.  After Anna was 3 months old and not colic anymore, Dave and I were just stuck in a routine of caring for Anna.  A couple of weeks ago Dave and I both decided that we need to focus more on our marriage rather than focusing so much on being just parents.  We went to Vegas for our 3rd anniversary and have been taking date nights where it is just the two of us.  It is nice to be able to eat a meal together and actually talk.  After having baby, it is like you need to date again.  Our goal now is to have a date at least every 2 weeks.  We realize that we have a great marriage but for the past 8 months it has just been neglected and we can't do that.  To be great parents we have to first be a great couple.  

Work In Progress

Can I get a WOOO HOOO??!  I finished my first of many 12 week sessions with Fitness Xcellence.  I have lost 11 lbs. and I can definitely tell I have lost some inches mainly in my legs!  These classes have helped me sooo much!  I have never loved my body, I developed early (10y/o) and always felt so insecure in my own skin.  I have constantly compared myself to others and always feel like I'm fat.  After having Anna I have never felt so horrible about my physical self.  Things have shifted, I have more stretch marks and just feel dumpy and old.  I am in awe of my body from the whole amazing process of pregnancy and delivery but it seems overshadowed by the negative transformations that have occurred.

I had a formal event to attend back in December, I tried on all the dresses I own and nothing fit.  I went shopping and nothing fit.  Finally after a day spent in tears, I found a dress that I didn't really like but it was on sale and it was the only thing I found that fit.  My New Year's Resolution was to take better care of myself physically and mentally.  I joined Fitness Excellence and have found so much support.  I love the ladies I am class with and Blake, the trainer always cracks me up with remarks like "This is work out, not BUNKO!"  I had an event last weekend and again tried on all the dresses I own.  There is a particular dress that is my absolute favorite, it has the ability to just make me feel pretty.  I tried this dress on and IT FIT!! I haven't been able to wear this dress in 4 years and now it fits!!  This is just one example of how I am feeling better about myself.

I know I will never be a size 0 or look like a supermodel but I know that I can get to where I am healthy and happy with my body.  I am going to take the 12 week session classes for probably the next year.  I do not have a set weight goal or size I am trying to achieve.  I am just trying to be the "best me" I can be.  I want a healthy lifestyle for me and my family.  I am glad Dave is taking the classes to because we support and compete(I hate losing) with each other.  I told Blake a couple of weeks ago about my "dress" story and he said, "We're just scratching the surface".  Yep, I am a work in progress and it feels great!

7 Months and 3 years!

Anna is 7 months old!  I can't believe how fast time is flying by!  She is so precious.  Her smile is all I need to make my day!  She is sitting up by herself for short periods, picking up items and of course putting it in her mouth, spitting like a crazy lady and standing with support.  She still hates being on her tummy and I think she will just skip the whole crawling thing because she just refuses to spend time on her tummy long enough to try to figure it out!  She has been teething since she was 3 months but the past week I think she is trying to cut a tooth.  We have a whole lotta drooling and a low grade fever.

I see so much of Dave and I in Anna.  It is funny what characteristics from both of us she has.  She is like Dave in that she is social, happy and pretty easy going.  She is like me in that she can be dramatic, she lets you know quick if she is unhappy and has moments where she gets overwhelmed.  She is like both of us in that she expects the world to revolve around her and yep, it does!

Anna loves, loves, loves the water.  I am thinking of enrolling her in swim school soon because I think she will really enjoy it.  I have so much fun with Anna, I make up songs and sing to her all the time.  I am goofy and really silly with her and it is wonderful seeing the little person she is becoming.

On another note, Dave and I will be married 3 years this month!  Whew!  We are going to Vegas for our anniversary and I can not wait.  I will miss my Anna Banana but I am looking forward to getting away from S'port!  Dave is truly my other half.  He is always there for me and loves me for who I am.  I have to say that a lot of days I feel like the luckiest girl in the world!  I have a loving husband, a beautiful baby girl and just an overall great life.  I thank God each and every night for the blessings he has given me.

Black Shoe

Tomorrow, March 2 is what would have been my father's birthday.  He went missing 2 1/2 years ago on August 5th.  To this day, no one knows what happened to him.

Some of my extended family would like to portray my father as a good person, a missionary who found God and turned his life around.  Those of us who really knew him, know differently.  There were two different sides to my father: the side that other people saw that was charming, friendly and caring and then there was the side my siblings, mom and I saw that was mean, abusive and selfish.  My father was an addict who had been committed twice for rehab.  His drug of choice?  Pretty much anything he could get his hands on(methadone, morphine, demerol, alcohol, crack/cocaine, marijuana).  Pretty much you name it, he did it.  He would manipulate and lie to get what he wanted.  He was very good at hiding his drug use and he could look you straight in your eyes and lie to you.  He did not care who he hurt and he never apologized or took responsibility for his actions.  I do not have any happy memories of my life involving my father.  He was simply just a man who made life hell.  He would fall asleep mid conversation because he was so stoned, high or drunk.  He would get high, then get paranoid and believe someone was outside the house.  He would get angry and get violent.  I remember hating my father so much and wishing he would overdose.  He was also physically and chronically ill and we had to continuously take care of him.  I was glad when he would go into the hospital because for at least a little while, life was good and sane.  No one outside of my father's family knew of my father being an addict.  My father's family knew but did nothing.  It was much easier for them to act like everything was ok and we were one big, happy family.

I read Sylvia Plath's poem, "Daddy" in college and it just really spoke to me about my relationship with my own father.  The title of this blog is in reference to that poem.  I didn't invite my father to my wedding.  I didn't invite him because I didn't want him to ruin what was one of the happiest days of my life.  My husband met my father only when we went to go to my grandfather's funeral.  He was never a father to me and didn't deserve to walk me down the aisle or even be there.  He missed my college graduation and my graduate school graduation when he promised me he would be at both.  Truth was he never was there for me.  Of course there was always some elaborate reason why he wasn't which was always just a lie.  My little brother would call me scared and crying because he didn't know where my father was and he had been missing for 3 days.  My brother was 16 at the time.  My father would always show up eventually with a lie that someone had stole his wallet and he went to find them.  In all actuality he had spent 3 days on a drug binge in a crack house and spent all our money.  When my sister called me on August 6th to tell me my father was missing, I remember telling her "It's ok, he will show up in a couple of days, he always does".  I thought he was just probably on another drug binge but when the days kept passing by I knew he wasn't going to just show up.

When my grandfather passed away, my grandmother told me I should forgive my father.  I cut my father out of my life 4 years prior to him going missing.  The last time I saw my father was the year before at my grandfather's funeral.  I eventually did forgive my father but it was for me, not for him.  I didn't want to carry all of that anger anymore.

Mostly now all I feel is sadness when I think of my dad.  Sad that he couldn't be the dad I wanted and needed.  Some of my family believes that my father is still alive.  I hope I never do find out what really happened to my dad because I don't think it was anything good.  Do I believe he is still alive?  No.  I believe Karma is a bitch.

This isn't something I talk about with people because I do not need anyone feeling sorry for me.  No one said life is easy.  I feel like God was always with me, carrying me through those hard times.  The reason I worked so hard in college and graduate school was because I never wanted to return to life with my father.  I feel in life you have choices, you can either be a victim or you can be a survivor.  I chose to be a survivor.