Nobody Said It Was Easy

Nobody said it was easy. . .is that ever the understatement.  My Nelson side of the family always said that if it wasn't for bad luck, we wouldn't have any luck at all.   Who knows.  All I know is this past year and a half has had its ups and its downs.  It has been a tough time for me emotionally.

After I had Anna I wasn't sure if I wanted any more children.  Everyone has kept asking us when we were going to have another baby which I must say that I think that is so rude.  Personal issues are not anyone's business in my opinion.  I am the type of person that if I want you to know something then I share it with you.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am an extremely private person.

In April 2011 and after much discussion with Dave and consideration, we decided to try to have another child.  After a year and half of trying to get pregnant, Dave and I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility.  What a crock of shit right?!  We have taken all the tests and everything checks out perfect but yet we cannot get pregnant.  This has been very difficult for me.  I have kind of gone through the stages of grief in trying to deal with this.  I have cried, felt sad, angry, resentful, been in denial, withdrawn.  I have had friends that are pregnant or recently given birth and I am truly happy for them but at the same time I am going through a very emotionally difficult time.  It is hard for me to hide my feelings so to not hurt anyone, I have been withdrawn.

Every month I try not to think about it or get my hopes up but I am still devastated when I start my cycle.  It is something that you cannot even begin to explain to someone.  Everyone says "Oh it will happen" or "You just have to stop thinking about it so much".  Easier said than done.  Unless you have gone through this, there is no way you can begin to understand.  It is frustrating and heartbreaking.

The hardest part is that Anna draws pictures of her "baby sister" every single day.  For the past couple of months she has been obsessed with having a sibling.  I guess it is because all the kiddos in her class have younger siblings.  Anna keeps asking when I am going to have a baby in my belly and tells me she wants a baby sister.  It breaks my heart because all I can say is "Maybe one day".  Anna even told all her teachers at daycare that I was pregnant (wishful thinking I guess) so all the teachers were telling me "Congratulations" and told me why when I asked them why they were telling me that.  Then of course I had to inform them that no I am not pregnant.

Dave and I have discussed our options and met with a fertility doctor last week.  They do not know why we are not getting pregnant but just know we aren't.  The first step is fertility medication along with IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).  I am scared, excited, frustrated and exhausted all at the same time.  Dave and I have talked about all the options and are open to adoption if it comes to that.  I cried as I left the fertility doctor last week because I just couldn't believe this was happening.  Never in a million years did I imagine I might not be able to have any more children.  It isn't fair but yet life isn't fair.

This has been one of the toughest things I have had to go through.  I know that with my husband and with God, I will get through it and everything will work out the way it is suppose to.  Until then it is a struggle.  Everyday when I see yet another pregnant person, my heart breaks and I try not to cry as I am reminded that that might not ever be me.  I thank God every day for the perfect, wonderful little girl that  He blessed Dave and I with and try to hold on to that.  Anna is the best thing that has ever happened to either one of us.  I try to remind myself that there are a lot of children out there that need a good home and that maybe God has chosen me and Dave for that purpose.

The good thing about this journey has been discovering that infertility is more common than people think.  I worked a Revel shift last year with 3 other women who were struggling with infertility also.  I suppose infertility is similar to miscarriage in the way that it is very common but people just don't talk about it.  Although I am an extremely private person I chose to write this blog so that maybe another person out there who is struggling with infertility can see that they aren't alone.  I joke to Dave that if I was Henry VIII's wife, he would have me beheaded since I wouldn't be able to bear him a child.  Dave doesn't think it is too funny but in order to get through something like this, you have to be able to laugh somewhat about it.  Just don't be surprised if I punch you in the face if you ask me when I'm going to have another baby! :)