One Size

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, ok truth be told it is my favorite.  I know Christmas is probably suppose to be but I find Christmas so hectic and stressful.  Anyway back on topic, I love Halloween!  I always have.  When I was young my mother and aunt would throw a Halloween party for all the kids and I remember always having so much fun.  This year I wanted to have a Halloween party, I don't know how successful it was but it was fun and that was the whole point!  It was so much fun seeing all the kiddos in their costumes.

When I was searching for a costume, I knew I wanted to be the Wicked Witch since Anna was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz (my favorite movie).  The search for an appropriate costume was not so easy.  Somehow women can only be slutty _______(fill in the blank).  It is all Sexy Witch or Sexy Pirate, etc.  In order to get a decent, child appropriate costume I had to get a plus size costume.  The "One Size Fits Most" costumes were all slutty.  Halloween is a time to dress up in what you normally would never do but when did that translate into "I want to look like a whore"?  And the "One Size Fits Most" don't even get me started!  The average American woman is a size 14 so when it says "One Size Fits Most" who is "Most" suppose to be???  A 12 year old?  This country and the social norms drive me insane!

Weight No More!

Ok, so I am tired of being chubby, volumptious, curvy, hefty, chunky, grande, fat, or whatever else you want to call it.  I was a very skinny and active child and was fairly slim until my Senior year in high school.  I was on the basketball team in high school (shocker I know!) and then my Senior year I wanted to be a cheerleader and that is when I started gaining weight.  When I played basketball I ran daily even in the summer, when I became a cheerleader I stopped exercising as much but continued eating.  College brought on the "Freshman 15" and I have struggled with my weight off and on since then.

This past year I have really been reflecting and one of the things I am wanting to change is my weight.  I want to be healthy and proud of how I look.  I am tired of feeling ashamed.  I started working out with a trainer 2 times a week in January but I really don't think I have been in the right mind set until now.  I can do this!  I made it through college, graduate school, and basically natural childbirth so damn it I can lose weight and get in shape!

Each month I will post a pic and weight  Total weight loss goal:  -50 lbs.  Here is this month's (WARNING:  If you just ate you might not want to look, it ain't pretty! :)

Current weight:  185 lbs.

Anyone else who would like to join me on this journey, feel free to post also!

Lately

We have gone on little trips with Anna but this was our first official vacation with Anna.  It is amazing how much more you have to pack to go on vacation with a child!  Our car was packed!  

We went first to New Orleans and then to Destin.  New Orleans is one of my favorite places to be.  It is the heart of Louisiana, history and our culture.  It is a place where no one cares how you dress, how you act.  You can be free to just be you.  I also have a special place in my heart for New Orleans because my grandmother who passed away several years ago loved New Orleans.  The only item of hers that I have is a plate with St. Louis Cathedral and Jackson Square painted on it.  So needless to say every time I am in New Orleans I feel her there.  

New Orleans is alive once again.  It has been through so much lately from hurricanes and oil spills but you can feel the spirit of Louisiana and its people everywhere you go.  The only bad thing I can say about our trip to NOLA is that Dave lost my driver's license and Anna would not sleep in her pack-n-play in the hotel.  Overall I had a wonderful time in NOLA.

We traveled on to Destin.  First let me say that traveling in a car with a one year old is not a whole lotta fun!  She fussed, we got in horrible traffic jams and we were all just ready to be there.  Destin was gorgeous!  I had not been to the beach in 2 years since I was in my last trimester last year and unable to travel.  The beach and water was prettier than I had seen it in a very long time.  Anna LOVED the beach.  She loved playing in the sand and being in the water.  We had a lot of fun but it is stressful still because everything is centered around this little person.  Sometimes it is aggravating because you get tired of having to plan everything and it is hard to relax.  I loved seeing Anna's reaction to everything and getting to experience all of these firsts with her and that made it all worth it.

We returned from our vacation so that I could do the ropes course at Camp Forbing for Junior League.  I had so much fun!!  I got to know a lot of great girls even better and challenged myself.  I climbed to the top of the rock wall which was a big one for me.  I didn't know if I had enough upper body strength to do it but I did.  I jumped off a 30 ft. platform also.  I was so proud of myself for being able to do things that I didn't feel confident that I could do.  I have bragged to everyone :)  That's life though:  scary, challenging, rewarding, fun.

I have always had a close relationship with God.  It is not something that I feel the need to prove to everyone.  I grew up in church and have always prayed through the good and bad times.  I know that God is always there and is my rock when I have no one to lean on.  One of my personal beliefs is that God leads, I follow.  He leads me in directions I may not really want to go but where I need to go.  Right now I feel like he is leading me towards a particular situation.  I feel like I and my husband have not really reached out as we should.  I told Dave about this and he was like "Oh you just feel that way because you are a social worker and you like helping people".  That may be but I also feel very strongly that it is God leading me in this particular direction.  It is hard for Dave to understand because he did not grow up in church and does not have a relationship with God.  This is one of the things I pray for is that one day Dave will.  In the meantime I am following God and doing my best to follow his plan.

What I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

There was an article on the front page of this past Sunday of the Shreveport Times that really hit home for me.  It was about a family trying to prevent their father from getting released from prision.  Andrew Ayres Sr. is in prision for physical and sexual abuse and neglect of his now 10 grown children.  I went to school with this man's children.  Their last names was Ayres so everyone referred to them as "The Ayres Kids".  One of the children William was in my class, we were only in the 6th grade.  Everyone in our town knew these kids were being severely abused.  The children came to school wearing the same dirty clothes everyday, covered in bruises and starving.  Everyone heard the stories that their dad had a chain around the refrigerator and refused the kids from eating at home.  The only meals they ever had was breakfast and lunch at school which they scarfed down and ate every bite.  The cafeteria workers (my grandmother being one of them) would give the kids double portions.  When the children had head lice, the father shaved all of their heads (including the girls) and made the girls wear these horrible old lady wigs to school.  One Christmas our class got together and bought a new pair of jeans for William that we made it look like he had just been lucky and drew the number for that present.  I remember he wore a  blue "Who Killed J.R.?" T-shirt  and those jeans to school everyday.  The kids never had coats when it was cold and never wore socks.  The father threatened our school bus driver with a gun because she was trying to stand up for the kids.  My heart went out to the kids and it still does.  I can not imagine the hell they went through on a daily basis.  I am in awe of their courage and strength.  I have more respect for them than anyone else I have ever met.

I remember being in sixth grade wondering why when everyone knew that these children were being abused yet no one did anything.  It was at that point in sixth grade that I decided I wanted to be a social worker.  I knew that I wanted to help people, I wanted to do something when no one else did, I wanted to make a difference and make the world better for some people.  I went to college and had everyone I knew trying to talk me out of being a social worker, "You'll never make any money" is what I often heard.  I stuck with it though.  When I applied to social work graduate school at LSU I had to write a letter of intent, basically asking why I wanted to be a social worker.  I wrote the above story in my letter.  Yes, I don't make a lot of money-in fact Social Work is the worst paying college degree!!  I don't care though.  My job has so many more rewards than money.  I know that everyday no matter how little I am making a difference and that is enough for me.

I continue to keep the Ayres kids in my thoughts and prayers.

Anna is 1

Anna turned one last weekend!  Yay for me for not killing the baby!  Seriously Anna made it to one and she's in pretty good shape!  Not too many falls, scratches or serious injuries/illnesses!  I'm not such a bad parent after all!

This year has flown by, I can't believe it!  Being a mom is the hardest yet best thing I have ever done in my life.  Words can not even begin to describe what it is like being a mom and the love you have for your child.  It is like finding the love of your life, you have no idea what it is like until you do it.  Other people can tell you but until you experience it yourself do you truly understand.  I can be having the worst day ever and seeing Anna makes me forget everything.  I consider myself one lucky girl with having Dave as my husband and Anna as my daughter.  There is nothing else in the world that can make me as happy as those two.

Anna's birthday party was a cupcake party and I think she had a really good time.  It was mixed emotions with her turning one.  Sadness that she was already growing up so fast and no longer a baby and then excitement that she is growing up and the adventures that await us!

Confessions

Cue Usher song:  "These are my confessions. . . .".

Confession 1:  I have girl crushes (in a total non-lesbian kind of way).  My girl crushes are women that I would want to be more like, not crushes in the sense that I'm attracted to them.  My celebrity girl crush is Heidi Klum.  I mean she's gorgeous and also a successful model, Project Runway host/creator, mom and wife.  My regular person girl crush is a girl in my work out class.  She has a great body and one that I would like to have.  She isn't super skinny but she is very toned and healthy.  That is what I am striving for right now.  I will never be one of those super skinny bitches and I am totally ok with that.  I like having curves because it makes me feel womanly.  I would just like my curves more toned.

Confession 2:  I really just don't like some people.  I use to think that if I didn't like everyone, then something must be wrong with me.  I tried everything I could to try to give these people the benefit of the doubt and try to like them but yet I still didn't.  I have now accepted that it isn't me, it is them and it is ok to not like everyone.

Confession 3:  I hate wearing make-up and fixing my hair.  Hello Humidity is not my bff!  With 102 temps and 100% humidity I just think what is the point of even trying to look nice!

Confession 4:  I am a magazine junkie.  I love some US Weekly, InStyle, People, Health, People Style, Women's Health, and Parents magazine!  I buy probably 2-4 in a week.  Yikes!

Confession 5:  I am on the border of being considered a hoarder.  I can't get organized which I chalk up mostly to being so friggin' ADD.  I start things that I never finish and I am so easily distracted.  I should probably be medicated but oh well.  I have little piles of crap all over my house.  Things to get to but I never do.  It drives me almost insane but I am also a procrastinator so you see my dilema!

Confession 6:  My husband is the love of my life but seriously there are some days I just want to chuck something and hit him upside the head.  Only the person you love can make you so mad!

Confession 7:  I am NOT a morning person and I hate cheerful morning people.  Let me have my coffee, give me another 30 minutes and then we can have a conversation.

Confession 8:  I have road rage and most family members and friends that know me well refuse to talk to me on the phone while I am driving.  I can't stand idiot drivers.

Confession 9:  I always return my shopping cart to the return bin in the parking lot.  It is a habit, I can't help it.

Confession 10:  I really do wish I had a death ray gun and some minions.

Confession 11:  I don't mind when friends copy me but when it is almost everything I do/have then it starts to freak me out in a "Single White Female" kind of way.

Hobbies!

If someone had asked me a couple of months ago what my hobbies were I would have replied "Um shopping and reading?".  I am starting to branch out and discover interests that have kind of always been there.  I have always considered myself as a fairly creative person.  I use to paint, draw, create crafts, and scrapbook in the past and always enjoyed it.  I went to Painting with a Twist a couple of months ago and just really fell in love with painting again.  (Note:  Painting the Peacock was not a success).  I did however paint two other things that turned out really well.  So the other day I went to Michael's and loaded up on paint supplies.  I have started my first painting and I am really excited.  I am definitely no Van Gogh but that's ok!

Anna has not been an easy child to photograph.  In the beginning she was always so grouchy and now she's happy but won't sit still for a second.  This results in blurred pictures or pictures of the back of her head.  Dave has not wanted to spend money to get a professional photographer and now my child is almost a year old and I have maybe a handful of decent pictures of her.  I told him the other day he was buying me a good high-speed camera so that I can take pictures of Anna.  Again photography was something else I enjoyed when I was younger.  My parents had a really good Canon camera and I would take pictures of everything including our ostriches and my grandfather's cows! I remember practicing with the different settings but having to wait until the film developed to see how the pictures turned out.  Thank God for digital now!  I haven't gotten my camera in yet but I am ready to take pics of my little flash baby.

Reading has always been the greatest hobby of mine and that has not changed.  I have phases where I will read for 3 months straight and then not read anything for like 2 months.  I love reading and I read all kinds of books.   I read educational books(mommy books), nonfiction(mostly stuff about the Holocost, cults or human rights, yes I am weird) and fiction.  I just ordered some new books from Amazon and I can't wait for them to come in.  Here is what I ordered:  "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro, "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett, "Water for Elephants" by Sara Guen and "Night" by Elie Wiesel.  I also just bought "The Girl Who Played With Fire" at Target since I just finished the previous book in the series.  Currently I am reading "The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner" by Stephenie Meyer.  Yes, I am a Twihard fan and I am so on Team Edward.  

I Have A Confession

Ok so the thing that I have been debating over the past few months. . . . .Junior League (gasp!).  It's ok to judge me, I do.  I always had an idea of the Junior League as being a bunch of rich, non-working, suburban driving, exercise loving, trophy wives.  The mere idea of joining the Junior League made me cringe and disgusted me.  Then. . . .I went to an informational meeting with a friend and discovered I was completely wrong.  Yes, the above description does apply to some women but I found that most women in the Junior League were a lot like me: a full-time working, exercise hating, ordinary, plain Jane.  I met a lot of great women that I am excited to get to know.  One of my resolutions at the beginning of the year was to branch out, meet new people and get involved in charity work.  The Junior League is the perfect way for me to accomplish this.  It is something I never in a million years thought I would do but sometimes it is nice being wrong.  So yes, ugh I'm joining the Junior League (it is just going to take some time for me to get use to the idea).

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

I am so sick of all the excuses lately.  Jesse James used the excuse that he was physically and emotionally abused as a child by his father and that is why he cheated on Sandra Bullock.  Tiger Woods used the excuse that he was a sex addict as the reason he cheated on his wife.  Michael Jackson used the excuse that an event that happened in the late 80's was the reason he was a drug addict.  These are just celebrity examples but I have been hearing plenty of excuses with people I know.  Somehow people's behavior is excusable if they can cough up a decent reason.  It's ok to be a shitty person as long as you have some past event you can blame it on.  Whatever happened to people taking responsibility for their own actions?  It seems more common and popular to just make excuses rather than owning up.

One of my favorite actresses is Reese Witherspoon.  She and her most handsome hubby split up a few years back reportedly because he was having an affair.  In a magazine article Reese was quoted as saying that after the divorce she had to evaluate and own up to what was her responsibility in the failure of their marriage.  This is something that just made me like her even more.  In any relationship that goes sour, each person needs to own up to their responsibility.  No matter if it is a marriage, friendship, work relationship, etc.  Each person contributes to the breakdown and yes, sometimes one person contributes more to that breakdown such as cheating.  It is easier to point blame rather than looking at ourselves and what we contributed to situations. Like the saying goes, anytime you point a finger there is always three fingers pointing back at you.

One of my biggest pet peeves is someone blaming their actions on someone else or something that happened in the past.  "She has poor boundaries because she had such a rough upbringing", "He cheated because he was abused as a kid", "We stopped being friends because she talked about me behind my back".   Everyone has difficult times in their life but some use that difficult time to make excuses and gather sympathy rather than grow up and be an adult.  So in essence, grow a pair and take some responsibility rather than making excuses.

. . .And She's Off!

Today Anna crawled!!  I have been suspecting that Anna was crawling for a little while now but had never been able to catch her in action until today.  She has been a sneaky crawler!  Her boyfriend, Cayden at daycare started crawling last week so I figured it would be no time before Anna was chasing after him.  I came home from work out today and  Dave had Anna on the floor and she was crying.  The daycare worker told him that Anna was crawling all over the place today at daycare and Dave wanted to see her crawl.  About 2 seconds after Dave walked out the door Anna(pitifully crying) crawled to me to pick her up!!  I was met with mixed emotions.  On one hand I am excited that she is growing up and on the other hand I am sad that she is growing up.

Then I go to give Anna a bath and as I am running the water, she is clapping!  She loves water and was so excited to be getting a bath that she was clapping.  It was the first time I have seen her clap and it was precious.

These are the moments that just make me smile and thank God for the blessing named Anna.  I love being a mom and just didn't know how much I could love someone so little until I had Anna.  Her smile can make my day no matter what else is going on.  I look forward to each moment I have with her because I know each moment is precious.  I love my husband and daughter and really could not ask for anything more.  So milestone crawling: check.  Milestone walking: in progress.

Sailing Away

I will be sailing away to Mexico in almost one week!  I am excited, sad and scared all at the same time.  It is the first time in several years that I will be away from Dave that long and I have never been away from Anna more than a day.  I know Dave will do a great job of taking care of Anna while I am gone, I'm just going to miss them both so much.  I am taking a girls trip with my mom, sister and my mom's bff, Sandy.  I am looking forward to just relaxing even though I know I am still going to be missing my bunny and pumpkin.  Hopefully my sister and I will not kill each other.  We are complete opposites and can only spend limited time together.  Last time we took a cruise we did good, so here is hoping that history repeats itself! 

I watched two movies this weekend that had beautiful scenery and just made me wanting to travel even more so:  "Vicky Cristinia Barcelona" which took place in Spain and "Letters to Juliet" which took place in Italy.  I am a very curious person which probably explains my daughter a lot (she is very curious) and I would love spending the rest of my life traveling the world.  There are so many places I want to visit both within the U.S. and abroad.  I have made a list of such places and hopefully with time, mark each one off!  Dave is not big on traveling mostly because it requires flying so I know I will take some trips without him but of course never alone because what's the point of that!  Experiences are only fun if you have others to share in them!

Keeping Up With The Jones'

This morning I was reading a blog that just really spoke to me.  It was of a guy who was a corporate lawyer in DC who decided he was not happy working 80+ hours a week and wanted more purpose in his life.  He now works non-profit.  He also packed up most of his clothes and gave them to charity and now focuses on living a simple but purposeful life.  I enjoyed reading this stranger's blog because it really made me think about what is important to me.

I grew up poor so material things really don't matter that much to me.  To me, material things do not make you happy.  I really don't care about how big my house is, what car I drive or how much I spent on my clothes.  Anyone that knows me knows that I am a bargain shopper and I only buy things on sale.  My child's clothing comes from:  hand-me-downs, Target and the thrift store.  I find it silly to spend $50 on one single clothing item for a 9 month old child.  I grew up just wanting to live in a real house because I had always lived in a trailer house.  I told Dave when he was buying me an SUV that I didn't care what he bought me as long as it wasn't a Hyundai(only because they are crap cars).  He bought me an Audi because he knew I liked it and just wants to make me happy.

I struggle with trying to always focus on what is really important in life and not care about the material things that just don't matter.  I sometimes get caught up in other people's value on material things.  Now I am just getting to the point where I don't care if someone talks bad about me.  Money and "things" do not make you happy.   Dave tells me all of the time that he works hard so that he can give Anna and I whatever we want and I constantly tell him that all I want is him and Anna.  It is that simple.  As long as we are not struggling to make ends meet, I really do not care about the rest.

 I went to a friend's house for an event this past year and I along with other friends brought food and went early to visit with this friend.  Later on in the evening this friend had some acquaintances show up and she placed more emphasis on these acquaintances than us (friends) because these acquaintances have more of a social status( well known families, money, etc.)  My feelings were very hurt.  I value people based on who they are not what they are.

When I was in eighth grade one of my best friends wore a pair of cool purple jeans (yes, purple-it was the early 90's) to school one day.  I told her I liked her jeans and she said, "They're Girbaud".  This meant nothing to me so I asked her what Girbaud jeans were and she explained it.  I just thought they were cool jeans, still didn't matter to me what brand they were or that they cost $80.

I just think sometimes we all get so caught up on the material things that we don't focus so much on the things that really matter in life.  The things that really matter to me right now:  having a good marriage with my husband, having a healthy and happy daughter, spending time with family and friends, being a good person, making a difference, following God's path.  I have no interest in keeping up with the Jones' because in the end that isn't what matters.

The Toothless Bandit

A new mom said to me today "I just am not sure what I am doing is right" in referring to how she is feeling as a new mom.  I told her I've been a mom for 9 months now and I still feel this way.  You read books, people give you all kinds of advice and opinions (most unwanted) and you still feel uncertain that you are doing the right thing.  For example, my child still has no teeth.  I refer to Anna as "The Toothless Bandit".  She currently is eating baby food three times a day and bottles in between.  I look at the recommended guidelines and this is perfectly acceptable but other people feel free to tell me what their kid ate and basically insinuate that the way I am feeding Anna is all wrong.  UGH!  Please tell me how I am suppose to give my child meat when she does not have any teeth in which to chew said meat?!  Yes, please I would love my child to choke!

I am pretty strict on what I introduce and feed Anna.  Excuse me but I do not want my child eating crap food.  I am trying my best to instill in Anna good and healthy eating habits so that she might carry this with her throughout life.  I have learned that I need to lay off on all the orange veggies (carrots, squash, sweet potatoes) because Anna is looking a little jaundice.  I thought only carrots caused this but I found out today otherwise! (See pic of her orange nose at the bottom of post!) I'm not a perfect parent nor will I ever be.  I am just trying my best and that is all I can do.  I told new mom what I believe:  every child is different, every parent is different and different isn't wrong.  Hey if you want to give your child sugar and disgusting processed meat, go ahead I don't care.  Just please don't judge me because I don't do things the way you do.  I am fully aware that I am OCD when it comes to my daughter and I'm ok with that.  I told Dave before we had Anna that I was going to be overprotective of her because that is just how I am.  Anyone who knows me knows that I fully research each and every product we ever buy for Anna(bottles, swing, food, etc.)  I'm just like this and although to some it may seem extreme, I don't really care.

On my birth board, breastfeeding was always a hot topic and everyone was judging.  I wanted to breastfeed but unfortunately I was very sick after I had Anna and that combined with being put on medication that affected my supply, I couldn't.  I was crushed and became very depressed that I could not breastfeed.  I also felt like everyone was judging me because I wasn't breastfeeding even though I wanted to but couldn't.  I know on my birth board there were ladies that chose not to breastfeed and boy did they get beat up.  Yes, breastmilk is best but if the mother does not want to do it she shouldn't get slammed for it.  I'm just happy if the child is getting fed regardless if it is by breastmilk or formula.

I just hate all the judgement that comes along with being a mother.  As a mother you do what is best for you and your child but unfortunately everyone has an opinion about what you are doing.  I told new mom today that you just have to let everyone's opinions and judgement slide off your back.  Love your child, that is the most important thing after all.

Life in the Fast Lane

Wow!  I was just thinking today how fast life changes.  They say as you get older, time moves much faster and I would definitely have to agree.  I look at Anna today and I can not believe she is 9 months old. . . . where did the time go?!  She is changing and growing everyday and some days I just want to hit a pause button so I don't miss anything.  I, now more than ever am just trying to be "present" in each and every moment.  I want to cherish each moment I have because next time I turn around Anna may be graduating high school!

I think about how much I have changed through the years and the things that use to seem so important just aren't anymore.  Dave and I were laughing last night as we were headed home from having dinner at a friend's house and was just completely looking forward to going home and watching a movie(and it was 8pm).  Four years ago we would have just been getting our night started!  Weekends that were spent hanging out at the river all day and going to the bars at night are now spent hanging out with friends depending on everyone's child nap/sleep schedule.  I wouldn't change it for the world.  I can honestly say I have never been happier in my life.  It just amazes me however how fast life changes.  I was looking at old pictures and I just had that "Wow" moment where I realized what seemed like yesterday was so long ago.  I reflected over how I have changed as a person and thought about where I have been, where I am now and where I want to go.  I looked to see if I am on the path I want to be on rather than just the path life has led me to.

Visiting friends in the hospital as they had their babies was such a surreal experience this past couple of weeks.  It felt like yesterday that Dave and I was there with Anna and now she is 9 months old.  It is amazing to me how much she alone has changed in these 9 months.  She went from a cranky, screaming, never sleeping baby with all this dark black hair to a happy, always smiling, sleeping through the night blonde haired child!  It is going to be so much fun watching Anna and all her new friends grow up together.  Hopefully Anna won't be too bad of an influence!  :)

Randomness

My A.D.D. is kicking in full gear this morning, I probably need to be medicated for it but oh well!  Hence, the blog title is "Randomness", just my random A.D.D. musings!  Hope you are able to follow along.  :)

First off this morning I was thinking about invites.  I am planning Anna's first birthday party(yes, I love planning parties) and I am thinking about what size of party to have.  I do not want huge but yet I get to the case "Well, if I invite that person then I must invite that person" and so on and so on.  I get really tired of this.  Why can't I just invite who I want anymore?!  I thought about doing only family but then Anna has baby friends(bff of course right now is Cecilia) and I don't want to leave them out but doing so opens up the door.  People get their feelings hurt when they are not included in EVERYTHING!  This is stupid.  I'm sorry but I'm not responsible for your feelings.  I don't get invited to a lot of things but I don't whine about it.  Some people feel like they are somehow entitled to be invited to everything anyone does and guess what, they aren't.  I should be free to invite who I want without having to include those I don't want to.  Case in point, this past year for my birthday.  I just wanted a quiet intimate dinner witha few friends.  I did not want spend my birthday with everyone I know.  Somehow asking this was somehow wrong of me and people got mad that they were not invited.  IT WAS MY FRIGGIN BIRTHDAY!  Another example was right after Anna was born Dave and I just invited another couple over to the house to watch the LSU game.  Anna was colic and we could not have a  big rowdy crowd and her bedroom backs up to the den but others got their feelings hurt and were mad because we didn't invite them over.  CRAZY!  I'm sorry but my child is more important than other people's feelings, especially when those people are being selfish.  I feel like I shouldn't have to be guilted when I don't want to include everyone I know to every single thing I do.  So to summarize my thoughts this morning:  People need to get over themselves in feeling like they have the right to be invited to every single thing.  If I do not want to include everyone I know, that should be ok.  It isn't to be mean, it is to keep things simple and small.  Needless to say that if you don't get an invite to Anna's birthday party and get mad. .  . well, get over it and if you don't then call me not my husband!

The next of my A.D.D. thoughts this morning kind of tie into the previous.  You can see how my mind works.  There is a saying "Good fences make good neighbors".  This makes me think of boundaries and what is appropriate.  You must have boundaries in your life.  There are times I have to set boundaries with family, work and friends.  Some people do not understand the concept of appropriate boundaries and in this case the boundaries aren't clear and become enmeshed.  I guess because boundaries are a social work/therapy concept I am very aware of my boundaries with others.  Because some people do not have appropriate boundaries they do not have appropriate relationships with people.  Example:  a single male does not stay at a married female's house when the spouse is not home.  Even though the male and female are just friends and it may be innocent, it isn't appropriate.  It is a boundary that is enmeshed.  Some people are the epitomy of the saying "You give them an inch, they take a foot".  These people do not have boundaries so you must be the one to set them.  They tend to not like it but oh well.

 Life is changing and it is exciting.  Anna grows everyday and continues to amaze me.  She was giggling so much yesterday that it made me giggle.  She is so sweet and happy.  Makes me feel like I'm not screwing up too much as a mom!  I have never been happier in my life.  I have a wonderful loving husband and a beautiful, happy and healthy baby girl.  I don't mean to sound like I am bragging, I just wonder sometimes how I got so lucky!  God has really blessed me and I thank him for it everyday!

I am still working out  and boy has Blake been kicking my butt.  Last night's work out was brutal!  I feel like I am going to die during the work out but feel so good about myself afterwards.  I am struggling on getting my cardio on the days not working out.  Just seems like there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I need to do. 

I am contemplating something I swore I would never do and that sucks!  I hate being wrong!  I'm not ready to say yet what it is because I am still on the fence about it.  Boy is Dave going to make fun of me if I do decide that I am going to do it because I have made fun of it for years.  Stay posted.

Girls

I get tired of being friends with girls.  Why?  Because we are all so petty and mean at times.  It is like some natural instinct to want to tear another girl a part.  We are always competing against each other.  We talk bad about each other, we put each other down and we are just overall very immature.  I have tried to not be this way but I admit it is hard.  I just really get annoyed when people make comments about things that don't matter like what a child is wearing.  Who cares?  As long as a child is dressed appropriately for weather and circumstance, what is the big deal?!  I honestly do not care what my child wears to daycare.  She is going to daycare!  I am not going to put her in smocked clothing, what is the point?  Do the daycare workers care about what my child is wearing?  Nope!  Do the other babies go "OMG, look at what Anna's mom put her in?!"?  NO!  What matters to me is that my child is happy and healthy.  If someone doesn't like what my child is wearing, suck it!

I also get annoyed by girls that are ALWAYS putting someone down.  Get over yourself already!  Everyone has different style and just because it doesn't match your style doesn't make their style wrong.   I admit sometimes I see people (the Boardwalk is a perfect example) that I go "What the hell is she wearing?" or "Did she get dressed in the dark?" or "Does ____ think it is Halloween?" or "Geez, she looks like a hooker".  I just try to keep it to myself, sometimes I am not successful but I still try.  Being friends with someone especially means not saying these things behind their back.  It's just ugly.  Again, I have been guilty of talking bad about other girls behind their back but if it is someone I consider a friend, I try not to.  I have been trying to not engage when someone else is doing it but it is like a natural instinct and you sometimes just get caught up in it.   Sometimes I feel like I should be in 6th grade again when I am around certain girls.

I heard something the other day that I felt was so true: "Women dress for other women not for men".  Men don't care about what we are wearing, they probably would prefer we wear nothing at all!  When a woman is getting dressed she thinks about what other women she is going to see will be wearing and tries to look better.  The instant we see the other women we do a quick one-over of their outfit and then decide if we look better.  If we don't feel like we do, we immediately want to go change!  Any woman that states she does not do this is a big, fat liar.  So why do we do all this???  Simple, we are completely insane!  No, truth being we are all insecure.  Skinny, fat, tall, short we are all insecure about how we look.  We take this insecurity out on other women.  Somehow if we put others down about their looks, then we feel better and more secure about our looks.   I realized yesterday that there is a girl that always complements me but I always fail to compliment her.  I almost always like how she dresses but I never tell her.  I thought about why I do this and it dawned on me, I'm jealous and insecure!  Insanity I tell you!
So from now on, I said I am going to make a conscious effort to compliment this girl when I like something she is wearing.  Maybe as women, if we compliment each other more than putting each other down we might get somewhere!

Being a mother has really changed me, I look at things differently.  I think about how my actions are going to affect her.  I want Anna to always feel beautiful, to not worry about other girls, to not put another girl down because she is feeling insecure or jealous, to not compare herself to other girls.  Mostly I want Anna to just be a nice person who accepts others for who they are.  I want to give Anna the best of everything in life but I still want her to be humble.  I feel like children learn from example so I am trying to be that example for her.  It isn't easy, but I'm trying.

Anna's First Easter

My Gram, who is my stepfather's mother has been in poor health recently.  Every year we attend church with Gram in Natchitoches and then have Easter lunch at her house.  It was especially important to me that we spend Easter with Gram this year again since she has been feeling so rotten lately.  This was Anna's first Easter and it was a great one!  She sat in church with us and did excellent.  She kept staring at the lady beside me but other than that she was an angel!  We went to Gram's house for Easter lunch and then hunted Easter eggs.  Anna did not like being on the grass at all!  She's a little diva!  After Gram's we traveled back to Shreveport and had Easter dinner with Dave's family.  Anna was so worn out but she had a terrific first Easter!

Love and Marriage

I have the Bundy TV show theme song stuck in my head as I am writing this blog hence the title.  People watch these romantic comedy movies and think that love is so easy and of course you live happily ever after.  Well, the truth of it is that love is easy but marriage is not.  Marriage takes a lot of hard work.  There are days where you can't stand the way your spouse is breathing.  You look at your spouse and think, "Why the heck did I marry you?".  You always love your spouse but there are days you don't like them too much.  I think this is absolutely normal but it is the stuff no one talks about.  The people who say their marriage is perfect and that they never fight are big, fat liars.  Somehow it is shameful to admit that there are days you struggle in your marriage and I just think "Hey let's be honest".

Since having Anna, my marriage has been on a roller coaster.  Dave and I have been so focused on taking care of this little person and trying to be the best parents possible that until now we stopped working on our marriage.  There have been days where we have been like "Ok, let's call it quits".  Marriage is hard but having a baby is even harder.  You both start feeling unappreciated by the other and start resenting each other.  I got very concerned that basically Dave and I weren't going to make it in our marriage.  The analytical social worker I am started researching and found that the majority of couples report dissatisfaction with their marriage after having a baby.  Because no one I know who had a baby every talked about it, I thought Dave and I were doomed to get a divorce.  Turns out WE'RE NORMAL!!  Life after baby is hard on your marriage and it is normal to fight more.  You are so busy taking care of baby and the extra chores that come along from having baby that you stop taking care of each other.

Anna was colic when she was born and for the first 3 months I was just trying to stay sane.  Sleep deprivation combined with nonstop screaming really does a number on your nerves.  The last thing I cared about was my marriage.  I just wanted sleep and a happy baby.  After Anna was 3 months old and not colic anymore, Dave and I were just stuck in a routine of caring for Anna.  A couple of weeks ago Dave and I both decided that we need to focus more on our marriage rather than focusing so much on being just parents.  We went to Vegas for our 3rd anniversary and have been taking date nights where it is just the two of us.  It is nice to be able to eat a meal together and actually talk.  After having baby, it is like you need to date again.  Our goal now is to have a date at least every 2 weeks.  We realize that we have a great marriage but for the past 8 months it has just been neglected and we can't do that.  To be great parents we have to first be a great couple.  

Work In Progress

Can I get a WOOO HOOO??!  I finished my first of many 12 week sessions with Fitness Xcellence.  I have lost 11 lbs. and I can definitely tell I have lost some inches mainly in my legs!  These classes have helped me sooo much!  I have never loved my body, I developed early (10y/o) and always felt so insecure in my own skin.  I have constantly compared myself to others and always feel like I'm fat.  After having Anna I have never felt so horrible about my physical self.  Things have shifted, I have more stretch marks and just feel dumpy and old.  I am in awe of my body from the whole amazing process of pregnancy and delivery but it seems overshadowed by the negative transformations that have occurred.

I had a formal event to attend back in December, I tried on all the dresses I own and nothing fit.  I went shopping and nothing fit.  Finally after a day spent in tears, I found a dress that I didn't really like but it was on sale and it was the only thing I found that fit.  My New Year's Resolution was to take better care of myself physically and mentally.  I joined Fitness Excellence and have found so much support.  I love the ladies I am class with and Blake, the trainer always cracks me up with remarks like "This is work out, not BUNKO!"  I had an event last weekend and again tried on all the dresses I own.  There is a particular dress that is my absolute favorite, it has the ability to just make me feel pretty.  I tried this dress on and IT FIT!! I haven't been able to wear this dress in 4 years and now it fits!!  This is just one example of how I am feeling better about myself.

I know I will never be a size 0 or look like a supermodel but I know that I can get to where I am healthy and happy with my body.  I am going to take the 12 week session classes for probably the next year.  I do not have a set weight goal or size I am trying to achieve.  I am just trying to be the "best me" I can be.  I want a healthy lifestyle for me and my family.  I am glad Dave is taking the classes to because we support and compete(I hate losing) with each other.  I told Blake a couple of weeks ago about my "dress" story and he said, "We're just scratching the surface".  Yep, I am a work in progress and it feels great!

7 Months and 3 years!

Anna is 7 months old!  I can't believe how fast time is flying by!  She is so precious.  Her smile is all I need to make my day!  She is sitting up by herself for short periods, picking up items and of course putting it in her mouth, spitting like a crazy lady and standing with support.  She still hates being on her tummy and I think she will just skip the whole crawling thing because she just refuses to spend time on her tummy long enough to try to figure it out!  She has been teething since she was 3 months but the past week I think she is trying to cut a tooth.  We have a whole lotta drooling and a low grade fever.

I see so much of Dave and I in Anna.  It is funny what characteristics from both of us she has.  She is like Dave in that she is social, happy and pretty easy going.  She is like me in that she can be dramatic, she lets you know quick if she is unhappy and has moments where she gets overwhelmed.  She is like both of us in that she expects the world to revolve around her and yep, it does!

Anna loves, loves, loves the water.  I am thinking of enrolling her in swim school soon because I think she will really enjoy it.  I have so much fun with Anna, I make up songs and sing to her all the time.  I am goofy and really silly with her and it is wonderful seeing the little person she is becoming.

On another note, Dave and I will be married 3 years this month!  Whew!  We are going to Vegas for our anniversary and I can not wait.  I will miss my Anna Banana but I am looking forward to getting away from S'port!  Dave is truly my other half.  He is always there for me and loves me for who I am.  I have to say that a lot of days I feel like the luckiest girl in the world!  I have a loving husband, a beautiful baby girl and just an overall great life.  I thank God each and every night for the blessings he has given me.

Black Shoe

Tomorrow, March 2 is what would have been my father's birthday.  He went missing 2 1/2 years ago on August 5th.  To this day, no one knows what happened to him.

Some of my extended family would like to portray my father as a good person, a missionary who found God and turned his life around.  Those of us who really knew him, know differently.  There were two different sides to my father: the side that other people saw that was charming, friendly and caring and then there was the side my siblings, mom and I saw that was mean, abusive and selfish.  My father was an addict who had been committed twice for rehab.  His drug of choice?  Pretty much anything he could get his hands on(methadone, morphine, demerol, alcohol, crack/cocaine, marijuana).  Pretty much you name it, he did it.  He would manipulate and lie to get what he wanted.  He was very good at hiding his drug use and he could look you straight in your eyes and lie to you.  He did not care who he hurt and he never apologized or took responsibility for his actions.  I do not have any happy memories of my life involving my father.  He was simply just a man who made life hell.  He would fall asleep mid conversation because he was so stoned, high or drunk.  He would get high, then get paranoid and believe someone was outside the house.  He would get angry and get violent.  I remember hating my father so much and wishing he would overdose.  He was also physically and chronically ill and we had to continuously take care of him.  I was glad when he would go into the hospital because for at least a little while, life was good and sane.  No one outside of my father's family knew of my father being an addict.  My father's family knew but did nothing.  It was much easier for them to act like everything was ok and we were one big, happy family.

I read Sylvia Plath's poem, "Daddy" in college and it just really spoke to me about my relationship with my own father.  The title of this blog is in reference to that poem.  I didn't invite my father to my wedding.  I didn't invite him because I didn't want him to ruin what was one of the happiest days of my life.  My husband met my father only when we went to go to my grandfather's funeral.  He was never a father to me and didn't deserve to walk me down the aisle or even be there.  He missed my college graduation and my graduate school graduation when he promised me he would be at both.  Truth was he never was there for me.  Of course there was always some elaborate reason why he wasn't which was always just a lie.  My little brother would call me scared and crying because he didn't know where my father was and he had been missing for 3 days.  My brother was 16 at the time.  My father would always show up eventually with a lie that someone had stole his wallet and he went to find them.  In all actuality he had spent 3 days on a drug binge in a crack house and spent all our money.  When my sister called me on August 6th to tell me my father was missing, I remember telling her "It's ok, he will show up in a couple of days, he always does".  I thought he was just probably on another drug binge but when the days kept passing by I knew he wasn't going to just show up.

When my grandfather passed away, my grandmother told me I should forgive my father.  I cut my father out of my life 4 years prior to him going missing.  The last time I saw my father was the year before at my grandfather's funeral.  I eventually did forgive my father but it was for me, not for him.  I didn't want to carry all of that anger anymore.

Mostly now all I feel is sadness when I think of my dad.  Sad that he couldn't be the dad I wanted and needed.  Some of my family believes that my father is still alive.  I hope I never do find out what really happened to my dad because I don't think it was anything good.  Do I believe he is still alive?  No.  I believe Karma is a bitch.

This isn't something I talk about with people because I do not need anyone feeling sorry for me.  No one said life is easy.  I feel like God was always with me, carrying me through those hard times.  The reason I worked so hard in college and graduate school was because I never wanted to return to life with my father.  I feel in life you have choices, you can either be a victim or you can be a survivor.  I chose to be a survivor.

Love and Loss

I was overcome with sadness today as I watched a wife drop off her husband at the clinic for treatment.  She helped him bring in his stuff and then kissed him goodbye and I almost lost it.  The husband has stage IV cancer and I have watched him literally waste away the past couple of months.  Although he is bravely fighting cancer, I feel like it is a battle he might lose.  My heart just went out to his wife because I can't imagine what she is going through.  As with all my patients, I try to put myself in their shoes (social work term: empathy).  My best friend lost her husband several years ago and my heart still goes out to her because I know that there is not a day that goes by that she doesn't miss him.  When her husband passed, I also lost a dear friend and I cry whenever I think about him so I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for her.  Having a spouse pass away is suppose to be the greatest grief there is and I can definitely see how this is.  A spouse is your other half, your world, your best friend and confidant.  The person you share your triumphs as well as your failures.  The person who knows the good, the bad and everything in between but loves you nonetheless.

People who know me and know my quirks, know that I love and collect quotations.  One of my favorites is Winnie the Pooh, "If you live to be one hundred, I hope to live to be one hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you".   This quote is everything I feel for my husband.

So today I took a moment to think about those who have lost and the woman in my clinic who might lose her spouse.  Even though my husband can get on my last good nerve, I thank God for each day that he allows me to spend with Dave.  It is amazing how God shows us our blessings when we can lose sight of what is important sometimes.

Adventures of Anna

Anna is 6 months old now, wooo hooo!  Her stats are 14 lbs. 6 oz. and 27 in. long!  She is still probably the only 6 month old baby in size 1-2 diapers!  She's so long and skinny!  She constantly moves and is just such a happy baby.  Poor pumpkin is losing her hair, it is now whispy and thinning!  Anna rolls over both ways and can sit up with assistance.  She tries to sit up by herself but can only do so for a couple of seconds before she plops over.  It is pretty funny to watch.  She babbles and blows raspberries which just cracks me up!  She can now put her own pacifier in her mouth and hold her bottle.  We have started solids and so far she likes every fruit and veggie.  She eats like a horse to be so skinny.  I think if she didn't move so much she would be a fatty.  She is a very social baby and curious about the world.  There are times she has this look on her face like she is doing some serious thinking.  It reminds me of my grandfather because he had that same look when he was thinking about something.  Anna still looks mostly like Dave but she definitely has my personality.  She has quite the temper!  I told Dave I just fall more in love with Anna each day.  She has changed me in so many ways and all for the good.

With Anna being 6 months old I am wanting pics of her.  Decision?  Do I go with a professional photographer or just take some myself.  I just don't want to take them myself and then later go "Oh I should have not been so cheap and should have gone with a photographer".  Photography is EXPENSIVE!  I was comparing independent photographers and even places like Target Studios and oh my gosh!  I really wanted professional pics when Anna was first born but I had complications in recovery and Anna was so colic that I didn't do it.  I wish I had though.  She is growing so fast that I want to be sure to capture all these milestones.

It is time to put up her swing, she is almost too big for it.  I don't think Dave and I would have survived the first three months without that swing!  It was the only thing she would sleep in!  Definitely worth the $150 bucks!!  Anna also is big enough now to ride in the stroller without her car seat!  She now gets to see the world instead of only seeing sky!

I can't believe she is already so big.  It makes me sad but then it makes me excited to see what the future is going to bring and the adventures Anna will have!

Friend or Foe

I am at the point in my life where I am starting to reevaluate EVERYTHING!  I don't know if it is because I am now married and a mother or just part of growing up and maturing.  One of the things I have been reevaluating is friendships.  Do you ever feel like you have just outgrown some people?  Lately that is how I have been feeling with some of my friendships.  I have been able to sit back and ask myself if I am getting anything out of a friendship or are we simply friends out of convenience and/or circumstance.

Dave made the comment to me the other day that I have changed and I would definitely agree.  What use to matter to me just doesn't anymore.  For instance, drinking and partying.  I went to college and I partied, I partied when I finished grad school and moved to Shreveport but now. . . .I'm over it.  A good night to me is dinner with friends or just snuggling at home with my hubby and baby.  Not to say that I don't enjoy a glass of wine or beer because I definitely do!

I am just wanting to surround myself with people I actually enjoy being around and have similar interests.  There are some friends that no matter what in life changes, your friendship remains the same.  Examples of that is my best friend from high school, Jennifer and my best friend from college, Stacey.  Whenever we talk or see each other we just pick up right where we left off.  Even if it has been months, somehow magically our friendship is still just as strong.  This is the type of friends I want in my life.  The ones that will be there for you no matter what, the ones that love you for exactly who you are, the ones that know everything about you and don't judge.  Some of my closest friends right now are two girls and a guy that I work with.  I can just be myself and they don't make fun of me because I'm a little country or that I don't always wear the most fashionable thing.  I can tell them things and not have to worry that what I said in private is now all over Shreveport.  I have no use for "friends" that never call (ok, text because I hate talking on the phone), that don't care how you are, that judge you and talk about you behind your back.

Just my venting for today.  :)

Social Work

I am a nephrology social worker, for those who are like "What is that?"  I work with people on dialysis.  I had two patients pass away suddenly this week so this week has been tough.  I have also worked hospice and people always asked me how I did it.  It is difficult when you lose a patient that you have been working with and there have been times I have broken down sobbing over the loss of a patient.  Today was one of those days.  I lost a patient that I have been working with for over 2 years now.  What keeps me going is knowing that I made a difference in that person's life.  When I first got into social work I wanted to work with children then in graduate school I got placed with a hematology/oncology clinic in Baton Rouge.  I was so mad when I found out about my placement because I thought it was going to be horrible and depressing.  I absolutely loved it.   I am drawn to the medical field, I don't know if it is because I basically grew up in hospitals because my dad was sick or what.  Needless to say I have life experience dealing with people who are chronically ill.

I think part of being able to work with chronically/terminally ill patients is you have to have a strong sense of spirituality.  It always amuses me when people make comments about my spirituality because I am actually very spiritual.  I am not very religious, I believe it is good to go to church but I don't think it as important as what is in your heart and your actions.  I don't feel the need to prove my spirituality to others.

I believe God has a purpose for me and that purpose is to help people.  I knew I wanted to be a social worker when I was in the 7th grade.  We had a social worker come to our class and explain what she did and I knew that was what I wanted to do.  I feel that I can best serve God through social work.  I have held a patient's hair while she was nauseated and vomiting, I have held a patient's hand as they took their last breath, I have consoled a family who has just lost their loved one and I was there for someone who had no one else that cared.  I have gone to funerals of patients in the ghetto at night and being the only white person there because a patient asked me to and I told him I would.  These are the moments I carry with me and make being a social worker worth while.  There is nothing else I would rather do.  Social workers don't get a lot of recognition, most people assume that all we do is take people's kids away and we definitely don't make a lot of money.  I know at the end of the day I am making a difference and that is all that matters.  I believe at the end of my life God is not going to care how much money I made or what kind of house I lived in or how often I went to church but rather what I did with the life I was given.

It's Time to Pump.. . .You Up!

Ok, so I have a Yoda and his name is Blake.  One of my New Year's Resolutions was to get healthy.  My goal is not focused on losing weight (although I am stoked about that) but rather on establishing healthy eating habits and exercising more.  I turned to Blake at Fitness Xcellence who has been leading me on this journey of mine.  I work out with 11 other awesome ladies and Blake on Mondays and Wednesdays.  I keep a food journal and turn it in weekly to Blake who then grades me on my eating.  I made an "A-" last week and it is posted in my kitchen because I am so proud of it.  Getting an "A-" took a lot of hard work!  I have one free day a week where I can eat what I want and boy do I use that!  Needless to say Super Bowl Sunday will be my free day!  It is great to have the free day because if there is something I am craving, I just wait until my free day and that way I don't feel deprived or like I am missing out on something.

I have really enjoyed my journey thus far.  I compare it to graduate school:  it isn't easy, there are plenty of times that I just want to quit but I am so proud of myself for sticking with it.  It is so importatnt to me because of Anna.  I want her to have healthy eating habits and I need to set an example for her.

Dave is going to Blake also except he goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I have found it amusing to scare him about the class (the class I take on Monday, he takes on Tuesday and it is the same routine).  I tell him "Oh, that class is going to kill you tomorrow" or he complains of being sore and I tell him that he is a wimp.  I never said I was a nice girl  :)  It is great though that we are doing this together, we have been a good support for each other.  Of course I am competitive so I always want to do better than him and that motivates me and keeps me focused!

More pictures of Anna

Life as we know it

My beautiful baby girl is turning 6 months old this week, so hard to believe! She is so precious and I never thought I could love someone so much! The first 3 months were. . . .hell. Anna was colic so she never slept and when she was awake she screamed nonstop. The second night we got home with her, she screamed from 11pm - 5am. I remember at one pediatric visit, the doctor asked me "Are you enjoying her?" and I said "No" feeling the worst guilt in the world. The doctor(which is one of the many reasons I love her) replied "It is ok, I understand. My middle child was colic and it is hard to enjoy them when you are sleep deprived and exhausted". Everyone kept telling me "Just hold on, it gets better". I didn't believe them. Finally at 3 months, she slept! It was awesome! Now Anna sleeps from 8pm -7am and now I enjoy her so much! I am constantly amazed by her, watching her learn and grow into this unique little person. I find myself just staring at her in awe.  The first 3 months that were hell were definitely worth it. Parenthood to say the least is the most wonderful thing I have ever done. It is like marriage in that it has its good days and bad. It is really hard work but then again I don't believe anything in this life worth having is easy! My life now centers around someone so special.  So 6 months later here we are and I really have never been happier in my life.